The Trials and Tribulations of Meryl Tisch

Not only is Meryl Tisch chancellor of the NY State Board of Regents, she's also chairwoman of the the Metropolitan Council on Jewish Poverty. Because really, controlling the education of millions of NY State children is kind of a part-time gig. When you're as rich as Meryl Tisch, you need time to play polo, to shoot skeet, to go fox-hunting, and of course you have to run a few charities. It's just what you do.

Naturally, you haven't got time to actually do any work at these jobs, because you're busy. There are gala luncheons and charity balls, there are clothes to have tailored, and vacations to plan. There are homes to redesign and servants to chastise. So you hire people to work for you. But good help is so hard to get nowadays. I mean, here you are paying some character half a million bucks a year to run the charity you're supposed to be in charge of, and he runs off and steals a few million.

And for a few lousy million, the papers are all, "You're incompetent," and "You're irresponsible," and "How can you run a school system if you can't even pay attention to what's going on in your own backyard?" I mean, the audaciousness! Who do these people think they are?

And you're kind to your inferiors. You pay private school tuition for them because, for goodness sakes, those public schools are just awful! And you know, because you run them. The fact is, even criminals who mix in our circles ought not to have to consort with the bootless and unhorsed in those public schools.

And now they criticize you for that as well! These daily periodicals are so vulgar! Why did you get involved in this whole Regents thing anyway? You could be wintering in the south of France! Then you wouldn't have to go to those awful dinners at Governor Andy's house with Sandra Lee cooking Spicy Spam Surprise, and making those awful drinks with the gaudy umbrellas.

You give and give and give, but for goodness sake, there's a limit!

Consider This

In Topeka, you can make 5,000 bucks extra in merit pay if you get those scores up. So, the writer wonders, why would you help anyone who was not your student? After all, every minute you spend helping those other kids is a minute lost from propping up the test scores you need to survive.

That scenario could be even worse if demagogues Bloomberg and Cuomo get their way. Cuomo wants 40% of your rating to be based on test scores, and I've read that it would be impossible to get a favorable rating without favorable test scores. Bear in mind, of course, that these geniuses want to base these ratings on tests that, as yet, don't even exist. Forget about their validity. There are already ridiculous margins of error, and they'd likely get even worse on hastily prepared tests.

Now further imagine Bloomberg's 20K bonus were in place, and that principals actually had enough money to pay it. A colleague of mine, a math teacher, was busy and asked me to help a kid with her college entrance essay. I spent a whole period helping this girl rewrite an essay, explaining to her how and why she could do things better. Why would I do such a thing for any kid if I were competing with her teacher for not only a bonus, but my very job? I've read NY's system is based on a bell curve, and supposedly a bunch of teachers on the bottom would be discharged every year.

What a hellish job they want to create. Teachers do all sorts of things other than test prep. We spot problems, often huge ones, and take time out to help kids. We intervene for them with administration. We contact their parents and try to help out. We do so many things, anything that's called for, and those are the sort of things we're remembered for. I have fond memories of teachers who inspired me, not teachers who helped me figure out which circles to blacken on tests, and I suspect that's true for most of us.

If the "reformer" vision is carried out, inspiration will no longer be the province of a teacher. Teachers will fight for bonuses and jobs, and if they don't, they will have neither. Wall Streeters used that model to bankrupt the nation, and they can't wait to use it to destroy public education and our profession along with it.

Everything Old Is New Again

Good morning New York. As your mayor, I'm entrusted with the welfare of our city, the best darn city in America. As you know, I'm not a Democrat or a Republican. What I am is an Opportunist, saying whatever the hell it takes to buy elections. That's why I support recycling.

For example, I'm now suggesting a merit pay program that will give 20 thousand extra bucks to teachers who will shut the hell up and get with the damn program. If we had more teachers like that we wouldn't have such pandemonium at the PEP. You see, under mayoral control, I get 8 of the 13 votes. My reps patiently sit there and pretend to listen to the public, then vote like they're told, or I fire their asses. That's the way democracy works over here.

Now a lot of people are giving me flack just because we tried a program for three years that had no tangible results. All these Gloomy Guses say, oh, it didn't work here, it didn't work there, and it didn't work anywhere. In my opinion, the only one that counts, we need to expand on this program. The reason programs have failed in the past is because we've negotiated them with those damn unions, and what the hell do they know?

In the interests of recycling, I'm also bringing back Prohibition. I don't really think you people should be drinking. It tends to make you sloppy, to give you ideas, and that's dangerous. Now my smoking ban has been a huge success, and I think we need to follow it up with something that will get even more attention. Sure, they say this will hurt some businesses, but it's likely to spur others. I can see this, that's what makes me a visionary, and that's why there are no laws that can keep me from being mayor as long as I damn please, or until I'm a viable candidate for President, whichever comes first.

I'm also restarting production on an updated Edsel. Now some of you reading this may think this is a bad idea, but the problem is not enough Edsels were produced. New York is looking a little monotonous, and the idea of scores of cars that appear to be sucking lemons is just what we need to add zest to our environment. Perhaps we can make Edsel SUVs, and I can have a pair of them drive me to my preferred subway stop, from which I daily pretend to rely on public transport.

Now my most controversial idea is reintroducing New Coke, but the fact is I like it better than old Coke, and therefore you should too. How can you possibly know what you like when I have all this money and you barely have any? Even if you get a 20 thousand dollar bonus you won't make as much in a year as I do in eight minutes. So, hey, how about shutting your damn pie hole and letting me do what I want, when I want, however I want?

Thank you New York, and as always, I hope you enjoyed my little talk. If not, why don't you just take a long walk on a short pier?

A Message from the Mayor

Good morning, New York. It's me, Mayor Michael Bloomberg. You know, a lot of people ask me what I'm up to nowadays. Well, I've got my eye on this new teacher evaluation system. I'm sure you know that last year I tried to get rid of that seniority clause when firing teachers. I say, let's keep the best teachers. The most effective teachers. And by that, I mean the most cost-effective teachers.

You know, there was a time in this country, before unions and child labor laws, when entrepreneurship ruled the day. And in private enterprise, we've moved back toward that model. That's why my people walked out of talks with the UFT last week. I mean, what's all this nonsense about independent arbitrators? Once we fire you, you should be fired. That's how we do it in a business model. We're the bosses and what we say goes.

Now sure, there are all those pissy teachers whining about, "Oh, you need a reason before you fire us." But we have reasons. You make too much money. You complain too much. You are a pain in the neck. You see what I'm getting at. That's how we do it in private enterprise. Basically, if we can fire people for no good reason in the private sector, we ought to do the same in the public sector.

Let me tell you, as a billionaire, that when you become a billionaire, you'll be glad we made these laws. So don't go whining about your rights, your job, and your benefits, because once you become as rich as I am, you'll have to pay into these things, and it will surely damage your bottom line. You can never have too much stashed away, if you get my drift. Once you accumulate enough money and power, you'll be able to manipulate the law to do whatever you like. For example, New Yorkers twice voted for term limits, and with the help of my good pal Christine Quinn, I was able to simply change the law and get a third term for both of us!

So, New York, stop thinking about short term nonsense, like losing your job, your health benefits, your home, and all that blah, blah, blah. Just keep your eye on the ball, and remember that when you become a billionaire, all my efforts will benefit you.

Thank you New York, and I wish you all a lucrative day.

Ought We Crown Bloomberg King?

by special guest blogger Nicholas Azcona

The suggestion merits consideration.

"A military style raid on peaceful protesters camped out in the shadow of Wall Street, ordered by a cold ruthless billionaire who bought his way into the mayor’s office."

It's not everyday that new monarchs rise. Now, you may not be a  fan of Bloomberg, but consider the evidence as it happened:

-Creating a no-fly zone for press helicopters? This is impressive. It's the type of thing The United States and Britain used to do to Saddam Hussein's Iraq. It takes real muscle. If anything, it was an act of mercy. Bloomberg the Kind has previously proclaimed that his guards have the ability to shoot down aircraft.

-Arresting and attacking journalists while barring the rest of them from even getting close? The Hosni Mubarak special. He was called the last Pharaoh for a reason. 

-Closing the Brooklyn Bridge and Subway system? Well you can't allow escape routes for when you send in your military police.

-Sending in bulldozers, snipers, riot police, gassing the protesters etc.? That's part of being the Alpha and Omega of New York City. Bulldozing over peaceful settlements isn't just for movies like Avatar. It's the stuff of legends- legends like our King Mayor. Let's not forget the deployment of sound cannons too.That's just cool and star treky. Protest against inequality and you deserve to get your ear drums blown out.

- Throwing out over 5000 books from the Occupy Wall Street library, and then cutting down trees? Books are pesky things for a Monarch. If the people read, then they might question, and that's not good. Besides, he may have even spared a couple of the books, so people should be grateful. Now, "some" might ask why trees were cut down,and why tents were physically destroyed. To them I say: Carthage. It's standard Emperor 101. When the people don't listen to you, you go in, eliminate them, and then salt the Earth so that nothing again may ever grow from their ruins.

It's the job of the mayor after all to maintain peace, law, and order. Especially the law.

- Finally, some question how he managed to arrest hundreds, and still had the park sealed off for hours, despite the fact that there was an ORDER from the New York State SUPREME COURT, telling Lord Bloomberg that he had to cease at once and let the protesters back in. This is the silliest of all. Everyone knows that the law of Man doesn't apply to The King. It only applies to his subjects.

Thus I have concluded: He must be a King ruling from Divine Right. It must be so, otherwise the only other rational explanation is that he's a fucking criminal that belongs in a jail cell. 

And that's just too unpleasant to be the case.

The Grand Tradition

Preuss at UC San Diego is a nationally acclaimed charter school. Its grades are outstanding, its training of kids impeccable, and its leaders are miracle workers.

Its methods follow in the footsteps of great reformers, like Rod "The NEA is a terrorist organization" Paige, who oversaw the "Texas Miracle" (which helped GW Bush acquire the White House). Mr. Paige managed to sharply reduce the dropout rate by erasing dropouts from the record books. Mr. Paige, of course, with no background as an educator, is still recognized as an authority on education.

The Preuss School emulates the methods of the most prominent reformer in the country, Mayor Michael Bloomberg. Mr. Bloomberg has managed to close schools and shuffle kids all over the city. When he closes a school, he fills it with new kids, and voila! The new kids all speak English, and waddya know, they get higher scores than those kids who came from El Salvador six weeks ago! It's a miracle! But strangely, on tests he can't blatantly manipulate, Mr. Bloomberg makes no progress whatsoever. Mr. Bloomberg managed to sharply increase the graduation rate by excluding dropouts from the record books. Mr. Bloomberg, of course, with no background as an educator, is still recognized as an authority on education.

So, when the renowned Preuss Charter School was audited, one reason for its amazing progress became clear. In the grand tradition of Mr. Page and Mr. Bloomberg, its leaders had cooked the books:

About 420 grades at the Preuss School have been inaccurately recorded in the past six years, reflecting a system with insufficient internal controls and pressure on teachers to pass students, according to the audit, to be released today

.

The "pressure on teachers to pass students" is the same method uber-reformer Mr. Bloomberg's been using, and one of his principals was foolish enough to commit it to paper a few days back. One of Mr. Bloomberg's reforms is to give kids credit for "seat time." Apparently, if kids sat in the classroom, whether or not they paid attention or did work, they ought to do a project for a few days rather than actually take the class again (And given the unconscionable overcrowding that has typified Mr. Bloomberg's tenure, whether or not the kid actually had a seat was irrelevant).

The new paradigm for schools is that they must improve every year. Even if they do consistently well, they need to do consistently better. As Diane Ravitch noted yesterday, that's plainly absurd. We'd be better off asking our schools to do well consistently, and allowing passing rates to go up and down from time to time.

And until a more reasonable standard is established, schools will continue to get results the old fashioned way. They'll cheat.

Where Does that Buck Stop?

The Daily News offers more detail on the short piece I posted the other day.

The UFT has stopped the science teachers involved from speaking with the DoE. Good move.

So who will Mike "Accountability" Bloomberg blame for this? Will it be supervisors who told the teachers to change grades? Can the teachers prove this was done?

Or will the teachers take the rap entirely, a la Abu Ghraib, where no higher-ups got more than a slap on the hand?

One thing's for sure--it isn't Mayor Mike's fault, and it has nothing whatsoever to do with the mania over standardized testing. Despite his very public request that we judge him on school progress, we've all come to learn that nothing is his fault, or Chancellor Joel Klein's fault either.

It appears they're congenitally incapable of error.

Thanks to Schoolgal

Easy as Pie

Low exam scores?

Just change 'em.

That's the way to leave no child behind.

Damn Right She Works for Me

There are two kinds of people--those who do what it takes to please Mayor Mike, and those who need to be fired.

Congratulations to Rashid Davis, who's willing to go the extra mile for the kids of New York City. Assistant Chancellor Alonso contends that if kids don't pass, it's the fault of the teachers. Davis has taken that philosophy to heart. When he worked at John F. Kennedy High School as an assistant principal, he couldn't bear to see kids fail the crucial English Regents exam. That's why he went back and changed their grades.

Clearly, if teachers were willing to make such sacrifices, all kids could pass. Naturally, if that were to happen, it would prove once and for all that mayoral control is an unqualified success. Whether or not the kids are qualified is of no importance whatsoever.

So while a thousand teachers wander around as full-time subs through no fault of their own, Davis got a promotion, even as the chancellor's office still investigates whether or not his changes were justified.

But Davis' heart was in precisely the right place--Mayor Mike's pocket.

Meanwhile, JFK's UFT Chapter Chairperson, Maria Colon, sits in the rubber room for an unforgivable offense--reporting Davis on a Department of Education fax machine.