Sandra Inspires Andy

Hi everyone! It's me, Sandra Lee, the best goldarn cook on Food Network! Last night Andy Bear and I were talking over my Jellied Spam on the Half-Shell (really a half-can, but I digress), when he started talking about stocks. I don't know anything about stocks, so I made my pouty face, and then Andy started projectile vomiting (Oh, I don't know what I'd do without my good old plastic tablecloths!), and I said I wished someone would teach me about stocks.

Andy was wiping his face, and oh darn, there's another suit that has to go to the cleaners, when he got an idea. I knew he had an idea because while he was dumping the Jellied Spam into the dog's dish, he started to say something before that darn vomiting started again. Let me tell you, I have a million ways to clean vomit! I may write a book if I can just clean the darn laptop safely.

Anyhoo, Andy Bear says he's going to show that he's tough! Now that those darn teachers will have their ratings in the papers every blessed year, there will certainly be some bad eggs (that gives me a recipe idea!) who need to be dealt with. Sure, the New York Post will run articles about them, but how will that make Andy Bear look like the big old tough guy he wants New Yorkers to think he is. He says I'm his little good luck charm and that my idea about stocks was just what he needed!

I'll tell you a little secret. Andy Bear is always fretting over how his Dad was perceived as too liberal. That darn death penalty thing really did him in. He was always taking principled stands against things like that. That's why when Andy took a principled stand, it was against taxing those nice Koch brothers who gave him all that money when he was running for governor.

So it looks like we'll take the lowest-rated teachers, place them in the stocks, and folks can just have at it, throwing tomatoes or whatever. In my house, there's always a ton of leftover food to get rid of (and if your cooking anywhere near like I am, I'm sure your house is the same). I whipped up a pitcher of Pork Rind Vanilla Martinis to celebrate, and wouldn't you know it, Andy accidentally spilled it again! He is such a clumsy-puss! Fortunately, I use only plastic pitchers, so there was little muss, and that darn dog lapped it up. Then he threw up all over my plastic reproduction Velvet Elvis bathmat, but fortunately I cleaned that up in a jiffy!

Toodles, friends! Be speaking with you again after a little house cleaning!

Nobody Doesn't Like Sandra Lee

Hi folks! I'm Sandra Lee, hostess of Food Network's best show, Semi-Homemade, and soulmate of none other than NY State Governor Andrew Cuomo! I have to tell you though, New Year's Day with Andy was no picnic!

Early in the morning I prepared my special Bisquick Boysenberry Surprise and Grape Kool-Aid Mimosas (recipes to follow in my upcoming book) but Andy was not happy. I could tell as he coughed out a chunk of Bisquick (I must remember to mix it more thoroughly!) that he was deeply troubled.

That was when he gave me The Look, and I knew something was up. "What is it, Andy Bear?" I asked, in the most sultry voice I could muster at that early hour.

"They're all taken!" he shouted. I had no idea what he meant, so I flashed him my best come hither look, hoping he'd forget what he was talking about and eat his darn Bisquick. But he went on.

"No Child Left Behind. That's a good one. Students First. Children First. I already tried using Race to the Top."

"Andy, what on earth are you talking about?"

"It's money, Sandra. How will I get money from DFER and the Koch Brothers if I don't clamp down on those damn unionized teachers? I promised to get tough with them, and if I don't impose some senseless evaluation system we'll still need reasons before we fire them."

"So, go ahead dear," I said. "Make up any darn system you like."

"But I need a name. I have to make it look like I'm doing it for the children. We always justify these programs that way, so it looks like we're helping people instead of screwing them!" Then he stormed out, leaving a full plate of Bisquick Boysenberry Surprise. I tried feeding it to the dog, but he choked on a hunk of Bisquick too, and spit out the whole darn thing.

Anyway, that afternoon I went to visit my BFF Gail, and there were a bunch of little children playing in the lobby. I tripped over one of them, and her mom started screaming at me. It was all my chauffeur could do to walk over and diplomatically suggest she cease and desist. I don't know how he does it!

Anyhoo, that night over a nice Potted Meat Food Product Bourginon, I told Andy Bear about the children in the lobby. He shot straight out of his chair shouting, "Sandra, you're a genius!" I was happy, and broke out a pitcher of Hawaiian Punch Mint Julep to celebrate. (The matching tablecloth really made the moment.)

"I'm the lobbyist for children!" he shouted. "I'll put together a commission with no teachers, no public school parents, and lots of friends of Bill Gates, the Walmarts and the Koch Brothers! They'll be lining up and doing cartwheels to donate!"

I love being Andy Bear's inspiration. I like to think of myself as his little good luck charm. But darn it, while he was waving his arms, he knocked the whole blessed pitcher out of my hand. (Good thing it was plastic.) Then he ran out, talking that business stuff on his cell, and I was left, as usual, to tell the servants to wipe up his mess. The dog started slurping up everything, but 15 minutes later vomited copiously all over my Anna Nicole memorial rug. Fortunately, you can get just about anything out of man-made fiber!

Toodles! Be checking in with you all soon!