You Have to Blame Someone

Today, at GothamSchools, I had a conversation with my buddy Reality-Based Educator. We were discussing the abysmal reporting that referred to release from the draconian, unattainable, and ultimately absurd terms of NCLB as being "freed." That's far from accurate. It is true, of course, that these states will not be responsible for passing 100% of their students. But, like everything, this comes with a price.

In this case, the price includes a junk-science evaluation system, known as value-added, or VAM. This means that when students fail, individual teachers will be held responsible. Naturally, it's the teacher's fault if the student didn't have breakfast, has no electricity at home, or doesn't have a home at all. Why doesn't that teacher use that 40 bucks of Teacher's Choice money to rent apartments for all the kids in need? And how dare they complain of not having a raise in four years when we've just promised them forty bucks? That's enough to almost cover dinner for two at a crappy diner! But I digress.

It's important, after a decade of "reform," to blame someone for its utter failure. It's unrealistic for anyone claiming to be "reality-based" to expect politicians to take credit for an entire decade of crocodile tears over education that has borne no substantive improvement whatsoever. So folks like Bloomberg, Gates, and Obama need to pinpoint someone with whom the blame will really stick.

Can you play the race card here? You could, but it's no longer as chic as it once was to wear a sheet over your head and burn things on people's lawns. And in the city, the only people riding horses are cops. You can't really strike fear in people's hearts with your head out the window of a Honda Civic.

You could do the whole gay-bashing thing, but unfortunately corporate politicians like Bloomberg, Cuomo, and Obama have already gone out and rejected that. This makes them look liberal even as they fail to stand up for middle class and working class people, and they're not about to toss that away anytime soon.

So what's left? That's right. Attack the teachers. Their jobs, unattractive to most for decades, look good in this time of recession, and it's pretty easy to tell people that teachers simply have things too good. In fact, Joe Biden had the audacity to get in front of the NEA the other day, and with a straight face told the delegates that Romney was going to go after teachers. Not only did the delegates seem to buy that, ignoring the blatant fact that Obama is already going after us, but lots of them were walking around with Educators for Obama t-shirts.

So why shouldn't they go after us? We lap it up like the most pathetic fraternity pledges, with ample, "Thank you sir, may I have another," thrown in for good measure.

No Impossible Demand Left Behind

That's what you're expected to do, and you've got just about a year and a half to do it. NCLB says all children will be proficient by 2014, and every year you fail to get 100% of your kids to pass is another year you risk your school being closed. Why don't we judge other professions by that standard? Let's begin at the top.

Are 100% of Americans employed? I don't think so. If that isn't corrected by 2014, we'd better close the White House, toss out the Congress, and have the whole government taken over by privatizers. Sure, you say, it's those same folks who put the economy in the crapper, left it there, and had us bail them out. Yet that's how we run education, what with Joel Klein's hotline to hedge-funders, so obviously we need to replicate this system elsewhere.

Are 100% of crimes solved? Are 100% of criminals in prison? If not, we'll need to close all the police stations, fire 50% of working cops, and replace them with temporary TFA workers. Maybe what we need is smaller police stations, each with 6 captains rather than one. Probably cops would do a better job if criminals were tested on a regular basis, and if said criminals failed tests two years in a row we could dismiss them. Surely Pearson could devise questions on safecracking, murder, extortion, or any topic under the sun.

How about banks? Is there enough cash in your account? If not, it's surely the fault of incompetent bankers who've failed to ensure you have enough to pay your bills. It certainly couldn't be your fault you blew a wad of cash on a Hawaiian vacation, neglecting that mortgage and car payment. If they can't figure out how to balance their books before 2014, they're outta there!

Finally, let's get on those darn doctors. It's already 2012, and lots of people are still sick! In fact, some people are still dying. Many, truth be told. If those health providers can't stop providing excuses rather than the health we pay for, they ought to be severely penalized. Heads must roll at hospitals, and not only those of patients.

Let's get the word to Mayor4Life Bloomberg, Governor 1% Cuomo, and faux-Democrat President Barack Obama that standards must be universal, and if our demands are not met, we will close down the city, state and country.

After all, that's what they want from us, isn't it?

Bush is Tested

While President Bush is in Chicago explaining how he knows NCLB has worked, one of those goshdarn lawyers has revived a troublesome lawsuit. Apparently, the plaintiffs complain, if the federal government requires testing and tutoring and whatever, it behooves them to fund these requirements.

It's hard to say what will happen, as Bush may take the matter to the Supreme Court, which has been known to rule in his favor before. But I like the idea of demanding things I won't have to pay for. I'd like better service in restaurants. I'd like a third faucet with an alternative to hot and cold, perhaps vodka. And many of my colleagues are clamoring for free donuts and prostitutes in teachers' lounges.

It's good to be in the federal government, where you get the best health coverage, you can vote raises for yourselves and then insist that states spend money on whatever you say. No wonder all those people are running around New Hampshire 24/7.

NCLB Could Be Left Behind

Or so says the New York Times today. Democratic candidates are not showing a lot of enthusiasm for the law, and here's a reason likely to surprise no one:

...polls show that it is unpopular — especially among teachers, who vote in disproportionate numbers in Democratic primary elections, and their unions, which provide Democrats with critical campaign support.

Now that's teachers nationwide, of course (We're not talking about the United Federation of Teachers, in which fewer than 25% of teachers even bother to vote in union elections). Even Obama, who's cozied up with faux-Democrat Cory Booker and "reformer" Michael Bloomberg is saying there need to be changes.

For those of you feeling nostalgic over the imperiled NCLB, here's a brief quiz:

1. In the No Child Left Behind Act, Congress authorized a $5.6 billion spending increase for low-income children. However, President Bush budgeted only $1 billion for Title One. If Title One calls for $2,800 per poverty-level student, how many children are left behind?

a. 0
b. 1
c. 7
d. 1,643, 857

2. Teddy threw his support behind the No Child Left Behind Act because George had promised to fully _____________ it. When George presented his budget, Teddy felt _____________.

a. undermine, excited
b. comprehend, appreciative
c. transcribe, Betty
d. fund, betrayed

3. Correct the punctuation in the following sentence: "George W. Bush is the President who, in God's name, will protect our children."

a. The sentence is correct
b. George W. Bush is the President who in God's name will protect our children.
c. George W. Bush is the President. Who, in God's name, will protect our children?
d. George W. Bush is the President. Who, in God's name, will protect our children?!

Extra credit to anyone who can identify the author of this quiz, a current candidate for office.

Didja Hear the One About the Teacher Who Ran for Congress?

Me neither, till I read this column by Sam Freedman in the Times. Tim Walz took a leave of absence from his job as a high school history teacher, and waddya know, he actually got elected. It's good to know there's at least one real teacher making decisions about education in Washington.

Mr. Walz has mixed feelings about NCLB:

When Mr. Walz speaks about No Child Left Behind, he balances his praise for the ideal of accountability with criticism of its testing provisions as too rigid. Mankato West, for instance, is considered out of compliance solely because several dozen special-education pupils out of a student body of 1,200 did not make “adequate yearly progress” on math.

But what inspires the congressman’s greater frustration is something subtler, that only a teacher would notice: How the emphasis on standardized tests has narrowed the intellectual range of teaching. He had to forgo the time-consuming studies of crime in St. Paul in favor of drilling students on state capitals. He had to reduce world history from a yearlong class to a four-week unit.

But I was really struck by his comment about his high school classroom:

“I can tell you for a fact,” Mr. Walz told the lingering students, “there have been far better debates held in rooms like this than on the floor of Congress.”

Maybe we ought to do something about that too. He's got my vote.

What Possible Motivation Would I Have?

Let's say you have a government program that costs, oh, a billion dollars a year. Let's say it needs to be evaluated. Who are you gonna call?

Well, in the case of the Reading First program, we seem to have hired the company that set it up in the first place. After all, who knows better than they what's going on? Sure, there have been accusations of corruption, but a company wouldn't lie to protect its own interests, would it?

Let's rejoice that cynicism has not infected those who determine what is and is not good for our children. After all, why would we give them all that money in the first place if we didn't trust them?

I'm reminded of the old Hair Club for Men commercial--"Why would I lie to you? I am the president of the company."

Thanks to reality-based educator

No Artificially Implanted Memory Left Behind

It appears that NCLB is facing some scrutiny. With President Bush's popularity scraping all-time lows, more than 50 GOP lawmakers are supporting a bill that could allow states to opt out of some testing mandates.

I've been particularly stunned by the insistence by Margaret Spellings that we make virtually no allowances for kids who need to learn English. We can teach them, but it takes time, and I'm afraid that will be true until Ms. Spellings and her team invent a device that will attach directly to the brain and transmit language knowledge to all the appropriate places.

Despite being a lifelong Democrat, I'll be the first to stand and applaud Ms. Spellings' achievement. I'll sign up to instantly learn Chinese and Korean.

However, in the absence of such an achievement, I'll continue to believe it takes two or three years for a typical teenager to master enough English to compete on tests. Naturally, if Ms. Spelling were to go to China and immediately pass such tests in Chinese, I'd have to reconsider my theory.

Till then, however, 20 years of experience tell me it is she who needs her brain altered.

Thanks to reality-based educator

My Window Faces the South

If not, I'm gonna have to move it.

I'm not saying the mysterious South is perfect. Last night, my daughter obliged me to stop at the ugliest diner on God's green earth, with a group of people who matched it perfectly. And there was a condom machine in the men's room, so someone is entering that joint and feeling lucky.

The whole southern concept of breakfast seems to depend a lot on grits, which don't much resemble food. Waffle House and Huddle House, two identical chains of dark, greasy, cramped breakfast joints, seem to draw customers from everywhere.

On the other hand, here in the USA, where we produce the best music in the world, some of the very best musicians are hidden in the mountains around Asheville, NC, from where I'm writing this.

But there's no need to come that far if you want to see real southern wisdom. In Virginia, people are starting to defy NCLB. It seems they've determined it's unfair to give the same tests to people who don't speak English.

A hundred years ago, people used to routinely give IQ tests to non-English speakers, who were often classified as mentally retarded. This was due to a failure to factor in the reality that these folks didn't speak English. Now, with a hundred years of progress behind us, we no longer label non-English speakers as retarded. We simply say their schools are unacceptable and need to be closed. Oh, and their teachers, like me, are incompetent for failing to press a button and make them magically fluent.

What does Uncle Sam have to say? He was unavailable for comment, but Aunt Margaret has little sympathy:

U.S. Education Secretary Margaret Spellings said Virginia is "dragging its feet" and called the testing provision, the law's Standards Clause, a necessary measure to counter "the soft bigotry of low expectations." In a Feb. 4 letter to The Washington Post, Spellings said: "It's time to remember that yes, Virginia, there is a Standards Clause."

Spelling's comments incensed school division officials.

"We're all so angry," said Arlington County School Board chairwoman Libby Garvey. She called the required test a "painful and humiliating experience" for children who haven't grasped English.

Similar disagreements will arise in other states that have many students who aren't proficient in English, said Reggie Felton, lobbyist for the National School Boards Association. The association has asked that the federal education department grant each state flexibility "for real-life situations to ensure that the test is valid and reliable for each student."

In Arizona, where there are many Latino immigrants, school officials also are grappling with testing language learners.

"We believe that English language-learner students come to school with different levels of competency," said Panfilo Contreras, executive director of the Arizona School Boards Association. "They may not be proficient in their own language, let alone English."

That's very true, and it's absurd to blame American schools for this. Also, momentarily disregarding its effect on schools, there's no way such idiotic regulations keep kids from being left behind.

Anna Nicole update: as of this morning, still dead.

Britney update: as of today, still bald.

Another Shocker

Kids who cut classes, don't do homework, and never study don't show up for tutoring either.

Of the 184,790 students who attend failing schools in poor neighborhoods, only 50,524 - or 27.3% - have signed up for tutoring provided under the No Child Left Behind Act so far this year.

Oh my goodness, they don't even bother signing up (Could it be that such kids will not end up in charter schools, ever?). Personally, I'm stunned that this is happening, despite the best efforts of the non-educators who design these laws. Perhaps it's understandable, since their kids, who invariably attend private schools, don't have these particular problems.

It's a good thing that teachers are not in leadership positions, and are never, ever consulted, or these laws might not be as successful as they are.

No entiendo

I don't often write about NCLB, but I'm troubled by the way it treats ESL kids. Joseph Berger had a column a few days ago addressing this issue. Is it reasonable to give the same English test to kids who don't actually know the language? I don't think so (In the early twentieth century non-English speakers were give IQ tests in English. When they failed, they were deemed to be mentally retarded). But NCLB says within one year they have to do so anyway.

Some people say it takes five years to acquire a language. Others say that's too long (For young children, it certainly is). For older kids, like those I teach, I'd say a more reasonable target is three years (though there are exceptions). The column neglects to mention that age is a pivotal factor, and that our ability to acquire language goes into a nosedive right around puberty. From reviewing NCLB dictates, I see no evidence whatsoever that who administer the law are aware of this.

Port Chester schools, the focus of this article, claim to be worried about the self-images of kids taking these tests. It seems far more likely they're worried what the inclusion of these kids will do to their statistics. It's unfortunate when concerns like that overshadow the welfare of kids, but that's an inevitable result of rampant high-stakes testing.

There is no mention whatsoever of high school kids, who've been required to take the NY State English Regents exam for years. It was absurd to raise the requirements for older kids before younger kids, and it once again showed a complete lack of familiarity with language acquisition. I can make kids pass the Regents Exam, but I could serve them far better by helping them acquire English. As things are, I endlessly drill them on a simplistic formula for earning a bare minimum score on a test, teaching them "writing skills" that are hardly appropriate for anything but the test.

Oddly, the article focuses on two kids who were actually born in the US. It's hard for me to see why they should be exempted. They should have learned English by now, particularly if they've been attending school. I regret that these kids may be "embarrassed" by their scores, but I have no idea how they spent so much of their young lives in ESL. Perhaps they were in so-called "bilingual" classes, where they got little or no exposure to English.

Unless they live in caves with no TV, or schools work full-time at keeping them there, or both, it's very hard for normal kids to avoid acquiring English--with time. But all kids need time, and NCLB needs to consider that.

No Decent Paying Job Left Behind

A hundred bucks an hour for tutoring? Not anymore. You can get tutors for far less, even as little as $2.50 an hour.

It's certainly tempting to parents. In fact with No Child Left Behind mandating tutoring, companies are already experimenting with using offshore tutors. Certainly, American teachers can't compete with these rates.

Is this a good thing, or is it yet another job lost for working Americans? Will GW and company figure out a way to outsource teachers altogether?

You can't deny that doing so would go a long way toward reducing Steve Forbes' tax bill, the number one priority of our nation.

(Disclaimer: I don't tutor for pay, ever.)