Thursday, March 31, 2022

Mayor Eric Adams Announces Swagger Is Best Protection from Airborne Virus

BREAKING--From NYC Educator News Desk--

Mayor Eric Adams, at an impromptu press conference, announced that masks would no longer be required on subway trains or planes coming in or out of NYC. When questioned about the fact that federal regulations required masking on these forms of transport, Mayor Adams had this to say:

"A lot of people working in the federal government are not credible. I mean, honestly, which of them has swagger? Does anyone seriously think that Joe Biden has swagger? Of course I support the President, because I happen to have run and been elected as a Democrat. And as long as it's easier for me to win that way, I will continue to be a Democrat."

Several reporters asked what swagger had to do with viruses. Mayor Adams replied that it was well-established that viruses did not, in fact, have swagger, and would absolutely not know what to do with New Yorkers who did. He then stated it was not masks that gave the most effective protection against virus, but rather swagger.

When asked whether that meant he would drop the regulation stating that city employees needed to be vaccinated in order to continue working, the mayor categorically stated that would not happen. One reporter pointed to the fact that he'd dropped the requirement for athletes and asked whether that was a double standard. The mayor grew visibly angry.

"Are you going to sit there and act like professional athletes don't have swagger? Do you have any idea the amount of swagger it takes to make it in a crowded field like that? You probably don't even know any professional athletes, while I see them at cocktail parties and gala luncheons all the time. I'm telling you, they are bursting with swagger"

Mayor Adams went on to explain that teachers, police, firefighters, and clerks and secretaries were low skill workers who wouldn't be in corner offices any time soon. That's why, he said, that he was now offering zero percent raises to all city workers. He said if they wanted any stinking raises, they'd happily agree to productivity increases.

"If teachers really cared about my children," opined the mayor, "they'd work 200 hours a week and stop carping over every little detail. When I was a cop," he continued, "I made it a point to work at least 300 hours a week. However, as far as the teachers are concerned, we can come to a compromise. If they would only agree to teach classes of 3-400 online, perhaps only 100 hours a week, I could see perhaps a one-percent raise. Maybe two. I'm basically a magnanimous guy, despite my swagger." 

Mayor Adams continued to say that the state legislature did not, in fact, have any swagger. Otherwise, he asked, why would they have failed to include mayoral control or his desired tax cuts in their budget proposals?

When questioned about whether or not his swagger was working for him, Mayor Adams simply said, "He who swaggers last, swaggers best."

The mayor then left the podium. He did not take any questions. 

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