Thursday, January 07, 2021

The Chancellor Responds to Current Events

 Dear Colleagues,
Like so many other days in the past ten months, yesterday we experienced an alarming and frightening moment that was unprecedented in our lifetimes. And l have to tell you, I was relieved to see the breach of the U.S Capitol, I was absolutely certain that something like this would make you think about something other than my forcing you to work in the worst epidemic any of us have ever seen.  I am hopeful that such incidents redirect your sadness and anger. I’m tired of reading nasty crap you guys say and write about me. I’m just doing my job, man. 

I was equally disturbed by what I saw as the response of law enforcement, who apparently allowed the entry and later the peaceful dispersing of these violent rioters. If I drive you guys to strike, it won’t look like that at all. I’ll ask the police to drive vans right through the lot of you. There will be rockets red glare and carnage ahoy. The city cops endorsed Trump, you know.

My heart breaks to know that our young people have witnessed this violent assault on people, property, the rule of law, and on our democracy itself—If we do it here in New York, we’ll endeavor to cover it up much better than they did in DC. The best response at this time, as I see it, is to open all the school buildings, give a lot of homework, and make sure no one has time to think about this stuff.  

Today, tomorrow, and beyond, you will have the opportunity, and responsibility, to acknowledge and discuss these events. However, make sure to do so in such a way that you stir no controversy at all. Don’t upset any of the students or I’ll nail your asses for verbal abuse, as per CR A-421. Remember, it’s not what you say, it’s what they hear. If you say, “Good morning,” and some kid objects, too bad for you. That’s a letter to file.

We have a lot of to resources for you, including ways to facilitate discussion in class about these events. Be advised, though, that if you actually tell students what you think you will be subject to discipline. Just listen to whatever they say and pretend you have no feelings about it whatsoever. That’s the kind of role model our kids need. You don’t see me standing up for what I actually believe in.

Seriously, do you think I want to open the frigging buildings? Of course I don’t. But Blaz does, and he’s the boss. Where am I gonna score another gig with a free house, an outrageous expense account, and at least triple your salary? 

You are essential to the functioning of a healthy democracy: educating and supporting our children, preparing them to contribute to their communities and country. We stand together with you, for our students, today and every day.

Just don’t actually say anything, or we’ll come down on you with the wrath of Bloomberg, whose pungent stench still lingers here in Tweed. Not in my office, of course, I’ve got the kind of ventilation you can only dream about, as I sit here by myself, when I even bother coming in.

Please do not hesitate to reach out with any other needs, concerns, or questions. You can count on us for valuable lip service, or a visit from some guy in a suit who will bring you up on 3020A charges faster than you can say, “What the hell did I ever do to deserve this?”
In unity,

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