Sunday, September 06, 2020

Like, DUDE, the chancellor can't stop, like, WRITING to us

Dear School-Based Staff,

Like, Blaz and I were out last night, and he’s all like, DUDE, your emails are KILLING it, and I’m all like, yeah man but what am I gonna say NOW? And he’s all, “I hope you found time to rest and recharge and spend time with family and friends this summer,” and I’m all like DUDE if they did that they probably have COVID. And he’s all, well they won’t be in Tweed or City Hall, and I’m like WHEW that’s a relief. So he’s all, like, say, “As always, your health and safety, along with that of our students and families, is our number one priority,” and I’m like DUDE, NO ONE believes that anymore.
So like, here’s the frigging calendar, you losers and haters, and like STOP bitching about it already!. Like, you’re all, like TEACHERS and stuff, so, like, the dog ate my frigging homework, okay? So it’s, like six months late but THERE, you have it. And just because you were such a frigging BUMMER, like, there are no more SNOW DAYS, you will frigging teach REMOTELY.

So, like DUDE, you’re gonna have to teach remotely on Election Day too, okay? No more taking four hours off to VOTE, dude, because you’ll be, like, at HOME and stuff. So, like, that’s ONE remote day, and there are like, just 179 more to GO, dude.
Second, dude, in partnership with the NYC Department of Health, you know, the ones who failed to close schools with COVID all over the frigging place, we have, like,  established comprehensive health and safety protocols that will ensure you are protected right up to the point we lay off, like, 9,000 of you. These include:
·         Maintain distance of, like, 6 feet from other dudes, and from, like,  students when feasible; when not feasible, like, those are the BREAKS, dude.
·         Regularly wash your hands, dude;
·         Wear some mask thingie; and, like
·         Stay home when sick or after being in close with a person with COVID-19, which could be, like, ANYONE, dude. They kids are, like asymptomatic and stuff.
So, like, if you don’t get sick it should support, like, your emotional wellness and stuff. Although COVID-19 like, you know, SUCKS, we need you to, like, keep coming in until you get that pink slip, man.
So DUDE, we have to like, TEST you and stuff starting, like, Tuesday, September 8.
Daily Health Screening for Staff

The NYS Department of Health says you need, like, a health screening (including temperature checks) and like EVERYONE has to do it EVERY FRIGGIN DAY, dude.Because if you DON’T, you, like, can’t come in. We will TRUST you to do this because we’re, like, you know BUSY and stuff, so if you, like:
(a) have a fever, a new cough, new loss of taste or smell or shortness of breath, within the past 10 days;
(b) or if you, like, tested frigging POSITIVE, dude;
(c) or if you were like WITH someone who might be, like if you were in some PUBLIC SCHOOL or something, or if you like,
(d) traveled anywhere or stayed home in the past 14 days.
DOE employees can complete the health screening in the following ways: 

·         Online Health Screening Tool: You can, like, TELL us if you are sick, man, because we don’t, like JUDGE, dude, or·       
 In-person Health Screening at a Building: If you can’t, like, do it yourself, we’ll have you, like, do a complete a screening assessment in-person at all buildings. We’ll be all, like, ARE YOU SICK, DUDE? and you’ll be all, like, NO MAN EVERYTHING IS COOL.    Administrators and school staff can find hard  (Heh, heh, like, I said HARD, dude) copies and stuff.
The screening results are valid until, like, midnight that day. Then you have to say, like, you did it AGAIN, dude, cause we like, TRUST you on this, dude. We will, like put up SIGNS and stuff, dude, because we’re, like, SERIOUS and stuff.
Daily School Site Temperature Checks

In addition to at home daily health screenings, the ones we don’t check, we might, like TEST you using non-touch thermometers.
·         We will do this, like, whenever we FEEL like it, so if we MISS somone, we’ll be, like, OOPZIE.We’ll wear, like, MASKS and stuff
·         School-based staff members with a temperature of 100.0°F or higher will have to, like, LEAVE, dude You’ll have to see a doctor and stuff unless we lay you off and cancel your insurance and stuff.
*Please note that we’re not allowed to write any of this stuff DOWN, so we might, you know FORGET.
Resources for Staff Wellness

In addition to caring for your physical health and safety, we care deeply about your emotional health as well. so you can, like, call, and we’ll be all, “Your call is very important to us, and you can sit on hold until we, like get around to you dude.    Free, voluntary, and confidential services for all DOE employees and their families
o    212-306-7660
·         Hotlines
o    NYC Well – 1-888-NYC-WELL
o    National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - 1-800-273-8255
·         Calmcast App for DOE
o    Download from app store
o    Sign in with any username of your choice and school code (DBN)
This year will be a bitch, dude, but we are resilient and prepared to welcome you back unless we, like, lay you OFF, dude. Thank you for like, not writing me and stuff. Man, dude, I am, like HUNGRY. Don’t we have any Cheese Doodles or something around this frigging office? Gotta run, dude.
In unity,

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