Wednesday, April 29, 2020

Trump Will Give States Emergency COVID Aid in Exchange for Weighing Votes by Income

President Trump faced the press today and announced that he was perfectly ready to release hundreds of billions of aid to beleaguered states if only they'd reform antiquated voting practices. The President said that if things continued the way they had been, it was possible that no Republicans would ever win again, which would be grossly unfair.

"Look, no one loves the minorities more than I do," said the President. "I know minorities probably better than any person alive, " he said. "But there are just so many of them these days. I mean, what kind of minority has more people than those of us who were here first?"

The theme of Fake Minority has been repeated and amplified in the news lately, and was a feature on Tucker Carlson's show. Carlson asked how these people mustered the audacity to even call themselves minorities when there were more of them than regular folks like him. Carlson pointed out how few of them were born rich, and how most of them couldn't even be bothered marrying into money like he did.

Hannity said that the President was right, and that people of means ought to have their means represented in their votes. For example, billionaires have clearly worked harder than minimum wage workers, or why would they have all that money? So why should a person making $7.25 and hour have as many votes as someone making $725,000 a minute? This is clearly unfair.

"And by the way," said the President, "There's no quid pro quo here. No quid. No quo. And no collusion. It's part of the Mueller Report. You can look it up."
President Trump pointed out that he'd basically done everything he could to level the playing field. He'd rolled back all those terrible environmental regulations that Obama had put in place that impeded business. He's supported every means of voter correction he could. He'd even had his Supreme Court make sure that open voting took place during a pandemic. In fact, he'd seen to it that there were only half a dozen voting places in the "minority" city of Milwaukee.

Despite all that, when the people of Milwaukee stood out in the freezing hail for five or six hours to vote, when only 3% of eligible voters showed up, a 90% drop, the GOP still lost a pivotal vote on their state Supreme Court. How are they going to make sure voting is tilted fairly enough so the GOP can win?

While this issue could be decided by the Supreme Court, which will certainly vote Trump's way, it's far from certain the Republicans can win unless immediate action is taken.

"I dont have to do this," said Trump. "It's not my fault that states want to fritter away all their money on things like pensions for cops, nurses, teachers, firefighters and sanitation workers. It's not our job to take care of that stuff. It's time we stop all this nonsense and get the do-nothing Democrats to put the country back to work."

Some state officials spoke in support. In Texas some suggested this was a great idea whose time has come, and spoke of what a disaster it would be if Democrats took over the state. "Look," said the Lieutenant Governor on condition of anonymity. "The President won the last election by every possible metric, except votes cast. It's simply not fair that we are held to a different standard. It's not our fault that minorities keep having so many babies."

KellyAnne Conway pointed out, "It's us, the Republicans, who stand up and insist on the right to life. If it weren't for us, there would be a whole lot more abortion and many fewer minority babies. It's completely unfair that we should be penalized for that when they outvote us. The President is right. It's time for votes to be distributed based on income rather than simply being alive."

Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Shumer, reached for comment, were unavailable at this time.
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