Friday, February 14, 2020

Toby for President

Because I'm always honest with everyone, I'll be honest with you. I've never really aspired to be the first canine president. Personally, I'd rather just find the warmest spot in the house, curl up, and take a nice nap. But the human's got me a little concerned.

First of all, he's not paying nearly enough attention to me lately. Sure, he lets me take him for walks. But at crucial points, when he usually asks me to sit so he can give me a treat, he seems to be forgetting. I have to sit myself and wait for him to give me a treat. This is unacceptable.

The human is spending a lot of what should be Toby time on Facebook, posting stuff like this about some character named Bloomberg. Bloomberg, evidently, hates teachers. Now the human is a teacher, and is a pretty good guy. He buys Freshpet Tender Chicken with vegetables and brown rice, which I'm fond of, and cuts it for me. (He has these opposable thumb thingies, which makes it easy for him.)

Anyway, I can't abide the human wasting his time on Facebook, so if this Bloomberg character is the nominee, I'm all in. I understand that Bloomberg is a racist, and that he has no respect for democracy, and is not as competent as he portrays himself. I hear it's his fault that Judge Biff is on SCOTUS. This bothers the human. I also understand that some candidates are supporting Medicare for All, which sounds good to me. The human says his union has to negotiate health care, and that this can affect their pay, which I know is what's used to buy Freshpet.

Now I support Medicare for All. However, I notice that it does not include veterinary. I sometimes hear the human complain about vet bills, and I don't think that's fair. After all, dogs are people too. As for cats, I'm not really sure. Whenever I approach them while walking the human, they run away. However, I'm a broad minded guy, and I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.

I'd like to add that I've heard a lot about paid parental leave, which most countries have. That's an absolute necessity. Family is important, and I'll bite anyone who bothers my humans without hesitation. The problem is that there's no provision for canine adoption. I know some humans like cats, and there's no provision for feline adoption either. How can that be in the twenty-first century?

You may or may not know that I myself am a refugee of sorts. I used to live on the streets of Puerto Rico, which was pretty tough. I had hair so long I looked like a furball. Animal Lighthouse Rescue found me and hooked me up with some nice humans right here in New York. I take pretty good care of them, and of course I'd look after this country as though the humans in it were my very own.

The human who I take for walks says he won't vote for Trump or Bloomberg if that's the choice they give him. That's good enough for me to throw my leash in the ring. Honestly, I don't much like it anyway, but the human says without it I'd get hit by a car while chasing squirrels. It could be true. After all, who can resist chasing squirrels? Humans, actually, don't seem to care for it. That's why I sometimes question whether they can be trusted.

In any case, you can trust me. I am absolutely faithful and true, and I've got several years experience caring for humans, which is more than Trump or Bloomberg could do. I hear Bloomberg gave three million dollars to the guy who ruined the water supply in Flint. Honestly, how do you get by without water? I hear he pins you to the wall if you are a person of color, and as a person of several colors, I object to that. I also hear, despite the ads he runs pretending Obama supports him, that he supported GW Bush in 2004, and even spoke for him at the GOP convention.

In any case, I urge you not to vote for this Bloomberg character. I'm willing to run, but more willing to nap. The human says that makes me a role model. I guess that means I have to walk the walk, and hope humans follow in my pawsteps.

But I'm a reluctant candidate. The human says that makes me ideal for the job.
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