Thursday, August 02, 2012

Bloomberg Clarifies Breast Milk Position

In another quick turnaround, NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg has set out to clear up the confusion between public perception and what he claims to be his actual position. The Mayor has taken quite a bit of flack for his restrictions on baby formula. In fact, some New Yorkers are saying this action deprives mothers of a fundamental choice, and that he has no business whatsoever getting involved in such personal decisions.

"It's all a misunderstanding," said the Mayor today. "The press can't wait to put out some sexy story, so they twist my words."

When pressed to explain, the Mayor said, "What I really wanted was to make sure babies are not drinking 32 ounce sodas. It's not healthy for babies to drink that much Coca Cola. Do you know what that stuff is named for? It's named for cocaine, for goodness sakes! Who wants babies around that?"

Mayor Bloomberg went on to explain how Coca Cola use could lead to drug addiction in later life, and pointed to a study by TNTP suggesting that as much as 100% of habitual drug users have ingested Coca Cola at one point or another.

"Why aren't the teachers telling our children about that?" asked the mayor. "I'll tell you why--because they're out buying the stuff themselves!"

The mayor went on to explain that TNTP had further established the overwhelming majority of unionized teachers had also ingested Coca Cola, and had concluded this was as good a basis as any to expand non-unionized charters. TNTP specifically recommended that charter teachers and supporters simply continue to drink the Kool-Aid, and that the city replace teachers based on VAM, which we all know to be utter nonsense.

When asked whether or not it was a conflict of interest for an organization that placed teachers to be involved with the removal of current teachers, a TNTP rep spit on my shoes, uttered an obscenity the likes of which this reporter has never heard before, and explained they would not stop until every last unionized teacher had been removed, calling them a "filthy bunch of replaceables."
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