Monday, March 26, 2012

Walcott on Pink Slime

As Chancellor, one of my biggest priorities is putting Children First, Always. That's why the children will be first to eat the nearly 200 metric tons of pink slime in our frozen meat. Other municipalities are banning it outright and having kids eat peanut butter and jelly. But we're feeding it all to NYC's 1.1 million schoolchildren. After all, they've been eating ammonia-drenched meat products for so long, a few more months won't make a difference.

On the bright side, plenty of kids eat at McDonald's, and while we don't much like it when our kids eat highly caloric fat-laden mass-produced non-nourishing crap, at least it doesn't have that darn pink slime in it! McDonald's insisted it be removed immediately. Who would've thunk it?

As you know, I'm highly interested in nutrition. That's why I'm so particular about what I put in my waffles. But let's face it, lots of kids eat fast food crap every darn day. So really, what's a few more tons of slime, one way or the other? They'll get over it. And if they don't, I'll close their damn schools! Just kidding. Or maybe I'm not. Honestly, who knows what we're gonna do next, or why?

Anyhoo, the important thing is it's Children First. And if there's any left over, I'll feed it to my dog. Now there's a science to that. As you know, over the last few years, to serve you better, we've cut school budgets by 14%, and allowed thousands of teachers to leave without replacing them, causing an even sharper increase in class size than usual. We've taken a billion dollars to reduce class sizes and they've gone up each year. You see? It's Children First for budget cuts and larger class sizes.

Next, of course, is my dog. I will reduce his ration of Alpo by 14% and replace it with pink slime, which I hope he enjoys as much as the Children to whom I served it First. And we shall see about reducing dog park space by 14%, and devoting it toward something Mayor Bloomberg wants, like a Moskowitz charter school. As chancellor, I take the job of representing Mayor Bloomberg very seriously, and you can be sure that whatever new cuts, whatever foul products available, it will be Children First, Always. Because that's the kind of folks we are.
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