Friday, January 06, 2012

Nobody Doesn't Like Sandra Lee

Hi folks! I'm Sandra Lee, hostess of Food Network's best show, Semi-Homemade, and soulmate of none other than NY State Governor Andrew Cuomo! I have to tell you though, New Year's Day with Andy was no picnic!

Early in the morning I prepared my special Bisquick Boysenberry Surprise and Grape Kool-Aid Mimosas (recipes to follow in my upcoming book) but Andy was not happy. I could tell as he coughed out a chunk of Bisquick (I must remember to mix it more thoroughly!) that he was deeply troubled.

That was when he gave me The Look, and I knew something was up. "What is it, Andy Bear?" I asked, in the most sultry voice I could muster at that early hour.

"They're all taken!" he shouted. I had no idea what he meant, so I flashed him my best come hither look, hoping he'd forget what he was talking about and eat his darn Bisquick. But he went on.

"No Child Left Behind. That's a good one. Students First. Children First. I already tried using Race to the Top."

"Andy, what on earth are you talking about?"

"It's money, Sandra. How will I get money from DFER and the Koch Brothers if I don't clamp down on those damn unionized teachers? I promised to get tough with them, and if I don't impose some senseless evaluation system we'll still need reasons before we fire them."

"So, go ahead dear," I said. "Make up any darn system you like."

"But I need a name. I have to make it look like I'm doing it for the children. We always justify these programs that way, so it looks like we're helping people instead of screwing them!" Then he stormed out, leaving a full plate of Bisquick Boysenberry Surprise. I tried feeding it to the dog, but he choked on a hunk of Bisquick too, and spit out the whole darn thing.

Anyway, that afternoon I went to visit my BFF Gail, and there were a bunch of little children playing in the lobby. I tripped over one of them, and her mom started screaming at me. It was all my chauffeur could do to walk over and diplomatically suggest she cease and desist. I don't know how he does it!

Anyhoo, that night over a nice Potted Meat Food Product Bourginon, I told Andy Bear about the children in the lobby. He shot straight out of his chair shouting, "Sandra, you're a genius!" I was happy, and broke out a pitcher of Hawaiian Punch Mint Julep to celebrate. (The matching tablecloth really made the moment.)

"I'm the lobbyist for children!" he shouted. "I'll put together a commission with no teachers, no public school parents, and lots of friends of Bill Gates, the Walmarts and the Koch Brothers! They'll be lining up and doing cartwheels to donate!"

I love being Andy Bear's inspiration. I like to think of myself as his little good luck charm. But darn it, while he was waving his arms, he knocked the whole blessed pitcher out of my hand. (Good thing it was plastic.) Then he ran out, talking that business stuff on his cell, and I was left, as usual, to tell the servants to wipe up his mess. The dog started slurping up everything, but 15 minutes later vomited copiously all over my Anna Nicole memorial rug. Fortunately, you can get just about anything out of man-made fiber!

Toodles! Be checking in with you all soon!
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