Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Bronx Cobra Tells All

Look, don't believe all this nonsense about me on Twitter. Really, have you ever heard of a snake who could tweet? It's absurd. I yam what I yam, like Popeye, and you won't see me writing cutesy nonsense on some iPhone gadget.

The truth is the Mayor came by, and who would've thought he was a Parselmouth? But there it was, and once he explained his problems, I could see he'd been misled. I mean, here's this guy trying to fire teachers who make too much money so he could have the newbies take their place, and he's saying it's a budget thing, that if he gets so much he has to fire so many, yadda yadda yadda, and other such unbelievable nonsense.

I told him this was not the way to go. He complained that his Department of Education was being run by some clueless lush, and that he didn't know what to do. I told him I'd take care of things for him if he could supply me with rodents, and he said Tweed was full of nothing but. I told him I'd be happy to eat, or at least bite anyone he couldn't fire, and we set off arm in no arm. I knew I was what he'd been looking for. He said he used to have someone just like me but he'd set off to make more money.

He mentioned how everyone complained how his programs didn't work and I told him it was not about whether they worked or not. It's about getting what you want. So now we have an agreement. I will visit every school in the city, get rid of every teacher making over 50K, and spare all others until they, too, reach 50K. This will not only allow millions to be freed up for preposterously expensive no-bid computer programs, but will also eliminate the need for future costly pension programs.

I'm really looking forward to my new gig, but Rupert Murdoch came by this morning and offered me something political, which really appeals to me. But the mayor says if I stick with him through his fourth term he'll make it worthwhile.

Anyone know the name of a good agent?
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