Friday, June 27, 2008

The Trouble with Liberals

I've had Sirius satellite in my car for almost a year now, and now that I've begun listening to Sirius Left, I can definitively say why folks like George W. Bush end up being President of the United States.

First of all, it took me a while to even be able to listen to the sort of liberal media bias I'd been looking for. This is because Sirius found the woman with the most irritating voice on earth, decided she'd make a good radio personality, and placed her on when I drive home. It's entirely possible that my fellow left-wingers have become accustomed to this voice, have decided it's OK, and are emulating it. Now this, I must say, could be enough to make anyone vote Republican.

Not me though. Not yet.

Because in the morning, Sirius runs Bill Press, who sounds like an ordinary human being. Listening to Bill, I finally hear the sort of partisan spin I'd been looking for. Now, when my Republican friends come into the lounge reciting whatever Sean Hannity or Rush Limbaugh has said, I know what they're referring to. Consequently, I have no more embarrassing questions like, "Who the hell is Reverend Wright?" Now more to the point, I can simply ask, "What the hell do I care about Reverend Wright?"

But despite being better informed, I'm deeply troubled. This is because on Sirius talk stations (unlike the music stations) there are a lot of commercials. On Sirius left, there are frequent commercials for companies that will either negotiate, refinance, or manage your debt for you, which leads me to believe that

1. Liberals tend to be tens of thousands of dollars in debt.

Another thing I've noticed is that there are an awful lot of commercials for trucking companies. These companies mention their openings, tell of their health benefits, and offer free Sirius satellite in their trucks, if only you'll drive for them. This leads me to learn that

2. Many liberals are unemployed truck drivers with no health benefits.

A very popular commercial is one from some sort of tutoring company. It promises tremendous results if only we'll call. Children who were doing very poorly in school are now Rhodes scholars, all because of one free phone call. I now know that

3. The education system is failing the children of liberals, all of whom are flunking out.

The other education-related commercial I hear is from some guy who turns kids around with a wave of his magic fingers. He was the guy who everyone went to with incorrigible children who could not be controlled by anyone else. And guess what? He'll send you his free CD if you buy his program for the low price of $39.99, and your kids will no longer be rebellious, troublesome, and will all behave precisely like characters from Leave it to Beaver (and not Eddie). Of course, this brings us to the fact that

4. Liberals cannot control their children.

I won't even go into the implications of the Viagra and Cialis commercials. It's just more bad news for liberals. But bad as things are, they could be worse. Over on the Howard Stern show, they're selling an apparatus that will allow you to shave your back hair all by yourself. No more embarrassing trips to the barber shop, and no more begging your girlfriend to shave your back. They even promise it will make you smell better, as Howard's listeners' backs are not only prodigiously hairy, but painfully malodorous.

I can't speak as to the political persuasions of regular Stern listeners, but I'm not likely to join their ranks anytime soon. After all, as a card-carrying liberal I have massive personal debt, the endless job search, and my uncontrollable failing children to deal with.

I don't think I can afford back hair right now.
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