It's April Fool's...

...at Miss Cellania's. Where else can you find bacon in a squeeze bottle?

Q: How Do You Get Reverend Al Sharpton to Team Up with Joel Klein?

A: Give him 500,000 dollars.

But I Can't Do It

You have to wonder what kids think and do when no circumstances follow their bad behavior. I had a kid disappear from my class for months, and then show up out of the blue. This was only because I'd discovered he was attending the class of one of my colleagues, where I went and confronted him. And having finally found a working phone number, I summoned his dad up to school.

Dad was very surprised he'd been out of class so long. Dad didn't notice he wasn't doing homework because in any case, junior spends all his time on the computer. I suggested removing the computer until his grades came up. Oh, no, that would be impossible. He'd go out all night somewhere and never come back.

So dad is pretty much convinced that junior has to be indulged, and has to do what he wants when he wants, of there will be consequences. For him, not the kid. That's precisely backwards, but I was somehow unable to get that message across. As a result, this kid, who's managed not to acquire English after four years in the country (something you really have to work at), will probably be able to continue to avoid it.

One of my colleagues had a discussion with a parent who complained about his phone bill--I don't remember how much it was, but it entailed an awful lot of texting. This phone bill indicated the kid was texting when he was in class (or at least when he was supposed to be in class), and other times, like two in the morning on school nights. She suggested they turn off the phone. Oh no, they couldn't possibly do that.

Well, then, why don't they just give it to him at times when he should be using it? Oh, no, he needs the phone.

Kids, though, need supervision. And honestly, if their parents won't provide it now, they're going to have to learn some other way in the future. Maybe it will work out for them. On the other hand, maybe it won't. Personally, with a teenager, I'd err on the side of making them learn now.

It's Torture...

...but only when other countries do it, according to the hand that feeds Jay Matthews.

Surprise, Surprise

In case you need another reason to oppose mayoral control, the NY Post has just endorsed it. If you look at the Post editorial and op-ed pages, you'll find it consists of 100% right-wing points of view. So if you happen to be a big fan of O' Reilly and Hannity, this is the place for you.

Rarely do they find anything worthwhile in anything or anyone remotely connected to the Democratic party. Notable exceptions have included the disastrous 05 NYC teacher contract, the one that set us back 20 years and failed to meet cost of living, and, of course, US Education Secretary Arne Duncan's pronouncement that mayoral control is a huge success.

"I'm looking at the data here in front of me," US Education Secretary Arne Duncan tells Post readers in an interview published today.

"Graduation rates are up. Test scores are up. Teacher salaries are up. Social promotion was eliminated. Dramatically increasing parental choice.

Clearly, though, examining the data is beyond the capacity of Mr. Duncan. Mr. Duncan has no notion of Tweed's recurrent efforts to pass everyone regardless of performance. He hasn't read Diane Ravitch and has no notion of what the NAEP scores mean, or why test scores rose most before Bloomberg's programs even kicked in.

It's pathetic that we won the election, and now have an Education Secretary who's incapable of examining data any more deeply than Rupert Murdoch's despicable one-sided rag.

A Lesson for Bill Maher

It's always illuminating to hear things from people who have not the remotest notion what they're talking about, and as a teacher, I get to hear things from all sorts of people. For example, you get folks like Bill Gates, Eli Broad, and the Walmart family, who toss money about to make sure unionized employees are marginalized, all under the guise of "protecting the children. "

Never mind that when the children grow up they'll have to choose from the crappy jobs Bill, Eli, and Wally World have left them.

Then you get lower-level hedge fund guys, like Whitney Tilson, who invest heavily in companies like MacDonald's and Walmart, and want to make sure we have a ready crop of low-salaried drones to keep pumping bucks into the pockets of rich people. All together, they form odious groups like the "Democrats for Education Reform," which push non-unionized charters to exploit teachers, one of the last bastions of organized labor in the country.

It's very disappointing to find someone like Bill Maher lining up with these demagogues. Maher, as you may recall, was dismissed from his ABC show in 2002 for making controversial remarks. You'd think he'd have some empathy for teachers who could find themselves in the same situation. Maher thinks unions need to be broken, but it's pretty clear what can happen to teachers without unions. It's also clear that folks like Joel Klein and Al Sharpton are fine with working people being treated like that, but I'd think Maher would question the privatization of education, particularly given what he said about the Bushies for eight years.

Personally, I'm not much enamored of bad teachers, and I'm afraid I have little sympathy for them. On the other hand, teacher unions neither hired them nor granted them tenure. What does Maher have to say about the administrations who did? What does Maher think about Chancellor Klein going to Albany to plead for the right to retain 14,000 teachers who couldn't pass a basic competency test, some of whom had failed it dozens of times? While these tough times may allow cities the luxury of denying employment to these folks, the fact is they'll drag them back as soon as the economy looks up and they need to continue paying the lowest wage in the area.

And personally, I value tenure a great deal. A few years ago I identified two kids in my ESL classes who were fluent in English but could not read. I remember one of them had remarkable listening skills, and was very good at participating on the basis of what he'd heard, but was unable to identify words like "house" and "mother" when I wrote them out for him. I found out he'd been kicking around the city system for years, and when I called his mom, she knew about it and asked me to help him.

At the same time, I'd been communicating with a NY Times columnist who wanted to use this info. He asked if he could use my name, and said it would be OK if I had tenure. This in itself suggested without it, I couldn't have told the truth.

Nonetheless, when the writer used my name in a fax to the DoE, I got called for a marathon session in the principal's office, in which school leaders of every stripe made sure their posteriors were covered, and not one word was uttered as to the welfare or future of the kids I'd identified, both of whom had somehow stopped attending by the time things hit the fan. This was regarded as a positive thing by some, who claimed it provided additional cover. I was later told by an uninvolved administrator there were no programs available for such kids.

And I found myself unable to get textbooks for my students for over a year. Ironically, when some geniuses from Tweed came and saw my kids sharing the decrepit books I kept in my classroom, they complimented me for utilizing cooperative learning. Still, I have no question I'd have been fired if I hadn't had tenure. And lacking Mr. Maher's celebrity, I've no doubt my teaching career would have ended right then and there if that principal had half a chance.

Where I live, teachers are thoroughly interviewed before they get to set foot in a classroom. And tenure is not granted as a matter of course. But teachers who bother to question the often preposterous things that occur in places like Mr. Bloomberg's New York, teachers like me, we need tenure.

It's sad that Bill Maher has opted to join the ranks of the wealthy and ignorant, who can't be bothered with those of us who need to support our families, let alone our kids, who will need to support theirs as well.

Pole Dance

Makes you wanna get down, don't it?

Up the Academey

You gotta love the schools that visit you, but don't appear to know how to spell their own names.

Personally, I get upset when other people misspell my name. But if I were the one misspelling it, what do you suppose the teacher bashers would be saying?

Probably that I should be shucking oysters, and that we need more charter schools.

Thanks to David Bellel and Dr. Homeslice

Nick Kristof Rides Again

Check out Mr. Kristof's column in which he posits that experts (like himself) don't actually know what they're talking about. Of course, we knew that a long time ago.

Rising College Costs?

Why not sell your virginity online?

It Takes a Classy Person...

...to buy a cup of coffee for 38 bucks.

Klepto

Vivian couldn't find her sunglasses. They were brand new, and her aunt said they were expensive. And when Juan lost his I-Pod touch, it was as though the world had ended. Not only that, but two cell phones had disappeared. Sure, they shouldn't have had them anyway, but could Mayor Bloomberg have really had them disappeared through sheer billionaire willpower?

And where is that 7-dollar chalkholder I've been boasting about all these years? What on earth would anyone want with that? Well, it could be another teacher. After all, I've been walking around telling people my 7-dollar chalkholder clearly demonstrates I'm a better teacher than they are, not to mention a better human being. As I've repeatedly told my reading classes, these things and worse come of hubris.

On the other hand, what's the deal with Steven? A kid claimed to have seen him with a Swiss army knife the other day when he was leaving the trailer. And when I went to his next class, another kid said she saw it too. And even though he'd already called it quits and left school, when we called his house his mom said she was missing her Swiss Army knife. Not having proof, though, there wasn't much we could do.

But what really took the cake was when he sat in a crowded office and slipped a box of cookies into his backpack in front of half a dozen witnesses. When an adult confronted him and opened the backpack, he said the cookies had fallen into the bag and the zipper had shut by itself. How do people even think of this stuff?

And short of becoming Governor of Illinois, Mayor of NYC, or Bernie Madoff, how can you get by acting like this?

Who Wants That Job?

One of my colleagues overheard a bunch of smart girls trying to decide who to invite to the Arista installation. That's a group that lets the smart kids know how smart they are by letting them join a whole group of smart kids.

"Someone has to invite Mr. Educator," one of them said.

"But he's a pain in the neck," said another. "You can't make him do anything."

"Last year he had an excuse. He said he was working," offered one girl, with a knowing nod.

"Do you believe him?"

"Absolutely not," one of them replied instantly.

"What about you, Linda? He won't say no to you?"

"Why not?"

"Well, I've never seen him scream at you or anything."

"Okay," said Linda. "I'll ask him. But I'm not making any promises."

And it turns out I'm not working that night, for the first time I can remember, so now I have to go. I hope they have donuts. I think smart kids deserve donuts at the very least.

Who's in Charge Here, Anyway?

Well, if you happen to be inquiring about the NY State Board of Regents, as of April 1st, that would be Meryl Tisch, from one of "the city's most philanthropic families." That's important, of course, because in Mayor Bloomberg's New York, only rich people have the insight to dictate to poor people what sort of education they need.

For just one example, last year NYC's public school parents selected smaller class sizes as their number one concern. Fortunately, chief "accountability" officer Jim Liebman was able to conflate their number two and three concerns, and let parents know that class size wasn't their number one concern after all. That's what "accountability" officers do when they aren't literally running from public school parents.

Back to Ms. Tisch, one might ask where all those "philanthropic" funds came from. Well, a good deal of them came via the sale of Newport cigarettes, which they gave up last June. Apparently, the Tisch family was uncomfortable with selling such an odious product, which explains why they flirted with the idea for a mere forty years before renouncing it. As for Ms. Tisch personally, her philosophies seem ultimately very much in sync with billionaire Mayor Mike, according to Elizabeth Green of Gotham Schools:

Though Tisch has been a strong supporter of Mayor Bloomberg, she has also occasionally criticized him and his schools chancellor, Joel Klein. She told the Times last year that she disagreed with Klein’s request for looser regulations on state funds. “Nobody appointed him czar,” she said. She also testified to a committee that mayoral control of the schools, which Bloomberg strongly supports, should be curtailed. I reported her testimony, which was originally secret, at the New York Sun

Yet Tisch’s plans for the state’s public schools, which she laid out in a long statement accepting the new position, sound many similar notes to the Bloomberg administration’s work in New York City. It also echoes the Obama administration’s plans for education.

It's unfortunate that Ms. Tisch is so profoundly unaware of what's going on with public school kids that she'd dally with such preposterous and counterproductive "reforms." In her favor, it appears that unlike Chancellor Klein, Bill Gates, Jay Matthews, Randi Weingarten, and the other "experts," Ms. Tisch has actually spent several years working as a teacher. So perhaps there's a glimmer of hope somewhere.

If I could ask Ms. Tisch one thing, I'd ask her to stop requiring kids who arrived in the USA five minutes ago to take the English Regents. That way, folks like me could get back to the business of teaching them English, which personally, I've found very useful.

What would you ask Ms. Tisch?

Thanks to Greg D.

This Old Bag

No, I'm not talking about some idiotic remark from Andy Capp or The Lockhorns. I have this great bag that's functioned pretty much as my office for the last seven or eight years. It's been dragged through every nook and cranny of our building, every half-room, every trailer and every office I've been through. I leave it in back of my car almost all the time, and I depend on it absolutely.

It's full of Dr. Grip pens and pencils faithfully purchased through Teacher's Choice, and every thing is in its place. There are erasers, there's a legal pad, and best of all, there are three rings right there so I don't have to shlep around a Delaney Book. This saves Mayor Bloomberg thirty bucks right there, as NYC is way too smart to buy 99-cent binders from Staples.

But from a corner, it came. The remark. "You need a new bag, Meester."

Oh no. Could it be true? I asked a girl on the side of the room who looked objective.

"You have to get rid of that thing," she said. "It's old."

What could be worse in her eyes? Sure, it's got two compartments, with two zippers on each, and one zips only to the right, while the other zips only to the left. I guess I could get them fixed for thirty bucks at the luggage store that fixed it last time. But then I'll be without it for days.

Or I could go to Staples and look for a new one. But I'll miss that old bag if I do.

Should I listen to the kids and replace that dilapidated piece of junk? Or should I respect tradition and preserve this valuable antique?

Target Practice

I've been following education news for years now. I'm consistently amazed at how teachers are such a convenient scapegoat. The same people who make sure city kids are taught in oversized classes in trailers and bathrooms and hallways are all over the press, crying about the terrible things teachers are doing. It's an easy sell, too, if you don't look at the whole picture, which not even the President bothers to do.

If AIG weren't so prominently in the news, maybe we'd be the ones ducking the press. One difference, of course, is AIG's leadership at least issues instructions to survive angry mobs. Here in the city, part-time UFT President Randi Weingarten can't wait to get on the anti-labor bandwagon, saying everything but vouchers is on the table. Oddly, she says that in the context of DC schools, where there's already a voucher program. So what is sacrosanct?

Meanwhile, Ms. Weingarten couldn't wait to bring Green Dot to NYC, with its phony union that offers neither tenure nor seniority rights, and its "just cause" provision that, for all I can tell, has never been tested, let alone protected a teacher job. Still, its hapless teachers pay dues, as will their replacements, so honestly, who cares? Plus, the embrace of charters makes Ms. Weingarten a "reformer."

The news media is awash with coverage of charter schools, which cover a very small percentage of real live kids. Protecting or improving public schools is beside the point, and not even Ms. Weingarten, who moonlights as part-time AFT Prez, will stand up and state the obvious.

It's pathetic that the United States, particularly at this point, can persist in the outrageous fiction that unionized working people are responsible for our decline. But if you want an alternate point of view, you'll have to look to those of us dodging the slings and arrows.

You know where to find us. The truth is, though, most people don't.

AIG Sues Us

We've given them 200 billion, and own 80% of their company, such as it is. But apparently, we didn't allow deductions for its deals in "offshore tax havens," so AIG is suing us for 306 million it paid in taxes.

No wonder its executives have to issue instructions on how to survive an angry mob.

Help Promote Literacacy

Stolen from Miss Cellania

Teachers For CEO Merit Pay

Because sabotaging the world economy shouldn't earn you a bonus, no matter what Treasury Timmeh and Chris Dodd think.

More Free Money For Rich People

The Obama administration has leaked details from the troubled mortgages and "toxic" assets plan that will be announced on Monday. The Times has a rundown on the details:

WASHINGTON — The Treasury Department is expected to unveil early next week its long-delayed plan to buy as much as $1 trillion in troubled mortgages and related assets from financial institutions, according to people close to the talks.

The plan is likely to offer generous subsidies, in the form of low-interest loans, to coax investors to form partnerships with the government to buy toxic assets from banks.

To help protect taxpayers, who would pay for the bulk of the purchases, the plan calls for auctioning assets to the highest bidders.

The uproar over the American International Group’s bonuses has not stopped the Obama administration from plowing ahead. The plan is not expected to impose restrictions on the executive pay of private investors or fund managers who participate.

...

The plan to be announced next week involves three separate approaches. In one, the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation will set up special-purpose investment partnerships and lend about 85 percent of the money that those partnerships will need to buy up troubled assets that banks want to sell.

In the second, the Treasury will hire four or five investment management firms, matching the private money that each of the firms puts up on a dollar-for-dollar basis with government money.

In the third piece, the Treasury plans to expand lending through the Term Asset-Backed Securities Loan Facility, a joint venture with the Federal Reserve.

The goal of the plan is to leverage the dwindling resources of the Treasury Department’s bailout program with money from private investors to buy up as many of those toxic assets as possible and free the banks to resume more normal lending.

Calculated Risk, one of the folks who has been right with his commentary on the economy, says the plan is awful, just another giveaway to investors:

With almost no skin in the game, these investors can pay a higher than market price for the toxic assets (since there is little downside risk). This amounts to a direct subsidy from the taxpayers to the banks.

Paul Krugman says

The Obama administration is now completely wedded to the idea that there’s nothing fundamentally wrong with the financial system — that what we’re facing is the equivalent of a run on an essentially sound bank. As Tim Duy put it, there are no bad assets, only misunderstood assets. And if we get investors to understand that toxic waste is really, truly worth much more than anyone is willing to pay for it, all our problems will be solved.

To this end the plan proposes to create funds in which private investors put in a small amount of their own money, and in return get large, non-recourse loans from the taxpayer, with which to buy bad — I mean misunderstood — assets. This is supposed to lead to fair prices because the funds will engage in competitive bidding.

But it’s immediately obvious, if you think about it, that these funds will have skewed incentives. In effect, Treasury will be creating — deliberately! — the functional equivalent of Texas S&Ls in the 1980s: financial operations with very little capital but lots of government-guaranteed liabilities. For the private investors, this is an open invitation to play heads I win, tails the taxpayers lose. So sure, these investors will be ready to pay high prices for toxic waste. After all, the stuff might be worth something; and if it isn’t, that’s someone else’s problem.

Or to put it another way, Treasury has decided that what we have is nothing but a confidence problem, which it proposes to cure by creating massive moral hazard.

This plan will produce big gains for banks that didn’t actually need any help; it will, however, do little to reassure the public about banks that are seriously undercapitalized. And I fear that when the plan fails, as it almost surely will, the administration will have shot its bolt: it won’t be able to come back to Congress for a plan that might actually work.

What an awful mess.

Have you got that, folks? President Merit Pay is planning to spend $1 trillion U.S. taxpayer dollars he and Uncle Ben Bernanke are going to print to coax investors to buy worthless crap from insolvent financial institutions in order to keep the House of Cards that is the U.S. economy from completely collapsing - only the plan is more likely to bring about the collapse than anything else.

John Cole sums this plan and the potential fall-out this way:

If this were a medical emergency, it appears it would look something like this:

The Illness- reckless and irresponsible betting led to huge losses
The Diagnosis- Insufficient gambling.
The Cure- a Trillion dollar stack of chips provided by the house.
The Prognosis- We are so screwed.

If these guys are right, this will be the undoing of the Obama administration. Better enjoy this four years, libs.

Sure it's just 60 days or so into this administration. But these are not normal times and you only get so many tries at fixing the financial mess that Wall Street, Alan Greenspan, corporate America, and politicians in both parties helped create before the anger over the economy, the bailouts, the deficit and the rest turns REALLY ugly and those chances are blown forever.

Judging by the flummoxed way President Merit Pay and Tresuary Timmeh have been handling this mess so far and the amount of money they have wasted already on "solutions' that solve nothing, they really have no idea what to do and they're just trying anything so long as it involves setting lots and lots of money on fire and handing to really, really rich people.

This is not to say that Senator Johnny would have done a better job at this - his hands-off Wall Street approach was what helped create this mess in the first place.

But that doesn't absolve Obama from his own contributions to this mess.

I once thought if conditions got so bad that people started living in tent cities, we would reflexively call them "Bushvilles."

But now I'm starting to think some of those just might be named "Barackvilles" as well.