Thursday, September 24, 2020

The Chancellor Buys Non-Cut and Paste Software


Dear Colleagues,

As you know, the COVID-19 pandemic has had a grave impact on our economy and the budge of New York City’s government, including the DOE. However, we’ve notice that someone has been parodying my Very Important Letters. Therefore we’ve taken immediate and decisive action.

For now and going forward, we’re devoting ourselves to a new program in which my email can be neither forwarded, nor copied and pasted. Therefore no one will be able to copy my emails and make fun of them. The cost of this program is in the tens of millions, but we’ve found a way to make up a fraction of the expenses.

All managerial and non-represented City employees—meaning employees who are not union members—will be required to take five unpaid workdays as furlough between October 1, 2020 and March 31, 2021. This means that people like me, who make $345,000 a year will have to get by on maybe 340, and people working hand to mouth with no contract are screwed, but hey, no more nasty parodies from uppity school teachers.

We don’t expect staff to work on furlough day. We are incredibly understanding. Low-salaried non-union workers are free to take day trips and place them on their expense accounts. Excuse me, my secretary informs me they haven’t got expense accounts. Well I’ve got one, suckers, and I’ll be in Vegas for my frigging furlough!

We know that this step is unwelcome for all the losers who actually have to work for a living. But rest assured that people like me and my 200K assistants won’t feel the pinch at all. Amid all your heroic efforts to reopen schools, I hope you feel guilty enough to offer the city a pay cut, or a furlough, or a twenty-year no-interest loan, because we’ve spent the last six months spending millions on consultants who screwed us and the city, and we’ve got little or nothing to show for it.

You have all sacrificed so much already throughout this crisis in service to our students and families. Blaz and I continue to make last moment plans that make no sense and putting them out there as remedies to the previous last moment plans that made no sense. Sometimes it feels like I should get out there and help you, but hey, you should see my office. No way am I stepping out of it and into some filthy school building that isn’t pre-screened.

As always, I remain grateful that you are out there doing things for which I can take credit. I will continue to do everything I can to make it appear that Blaz and I care about stuff like that.

I will be in touch shortly to guilt trip you over having manipulated employees who have neither contracts nor rights, and it is my profound hope that you will all agree to work under the same conditions. It’s no skin off my apple.

In unity,


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