Wednesday, July 08, 2020

Reopening Plans Translated

CONTACT:, (212) 788-2958


Health and safety will lead all planning, even though health and safety are concepts rather than leaders. This, however, takes us off the hook, since we’ve publicly committed ourselves to open schools with no regard to the state of the virus in September. This approach didn’t work in Israel, South Korea, Australia or Beijing, but we’re hoping for the best.

—Mayor Bill de Blasio and Schools Chancellor Richard A. Carranza today announced last-minute improvised plans for school reopening in September, assuming, for no reasons whatsoever, the city continues to meet all necessary COVID-19 public health thresholds.

While giving valuable lip service to the health and safety of school communities, schools will be provided with specific models to develop schedules for students that include in-person and remote instruction every week. Teachers will be expected to do both simultaneously so that we don’t have to pay them extra money.

“Getting our kids back to school no matter what inconvenient realities we need to disregard is the biggest part of restarting our city. Parents with no idea what our actual plans entail have spoken clearly – they want their children back in school buildings to the greatest extent possible. We will shovel them in any way we possibly can,” said Mayor Bill de Blasio.

 “As we continue to plan for September, we’re steadfastly pretending to prioritize the health and safety of our communities while hoping schools will come up with workable schedules,” said Schools Chancellor Richard A. Carranza. “We can’t be bothered working out any practical or workable programs because we have to do Very Important Stuff”

“Re-opening our schools will be a complex and difficult process, but we are not going to be careless with our students, their families, and our educators,” said Michael Mulgrew, President of the United Federation of Teachers.

"The first priority of school leaders is always the health, safety and well-being of the communities they lead," said Mark Cannizzaro, President of the Council of School Supervisors and Administrators. "Though there is still tremendous uncertainty and incredible challenges ahead, we look forward to our continuing collaboration with the Department of Education as we determine when and how school buildings will open.”

Reopening plans will cover four main areas: health and safety, building programming and scheduling, blended learning, and family engagement. We are not at all concerned with social and emotional well-being, because that’s not a thing. Even as teachers teach both online and in person at the same time, all students will have an option to be all-remote in the fall.

The City will continue to disregard the State because Cuomo speaks ill of the mayor, so screw him.

Health and Safety

School buildings will promote healthy behaviors and environments by requiring physical distancing, face coverings, and increasing access to hand washing and sanitizer. However, if students can’t manage to follow the rules they will be given a stern talking-to.

Each building will be deep cleaned on a nightly basis with electrostatic sprayers which dispense disinfectant so that it adheres to surfaces without the need to physically touch them, but when students pass from one class to another, too bad for you. Try not to touch places they did. Also, we’re leaving the gum under the desks.

Building Programming and Scheduling

Students will sit six feet away from each other, except when they don’t, in which case they will not. Also they’ll be eating lunch in their classrooms. Students will be expected to place their masks on in between bites of their food. DOE masks will have special holes to pass straws through.

The DOE has developed three baseline scheduling models for all schools to use. We have utilized a number of models, both the AB model, and the ABC model. We will break schools into two groups when they are AB, and three when they are ABC.

All families will also have an option to pursue an all-remote schedule next fall. Teachers will not only teach the nine students in the classroom, the 25 students at home, but also all the students who are at home. Students will not need a medical reason to register for this option. Teachers will, though, because screw them. Families who opt for fully-remote learning will be able to change their minds anytime they wish and jump from one program to another. It will make no difference, what with teachers all teaching three programs at once.

Model One

We will split students in half.  However, teachers will teach all groups at the same time.

Model Two

We will split students into three groups. Of course teachers will teach all students at the same time.

Model Three

We will alternate even more, because why not? Teachers will teach all students at the same time.

This model is available to middle and high schools.

Model Four:

We will establish weeks of up to fifteen days each so as to accommodate hugely overcrowded schools. That way, we can break into four, five or six cohorts. Teachers will be required to teach up to fifteen days each and every week. We will not compensate teachers for this because we canceled Teacher’s Choice, and you’re lucky to have jobs at all.

Based on building capacity and student enrollment, principals will choose from these models, and if the people who actually do the work don’t like the principal’s decision they can all go to hell. Any school that doesn’t like our models can make up their own, but let me tell you, we worked for weeks on our models and they’re all crap, so good luck coming up with anything better.

To reflect, the unique needs of their student population, District 75 schools will have an additional two model options that may have students in school every other week for five days straight, and we’ll cram those kids in any gosh darn way we can.

Except in schools with fifteen day weeks, students will be learning five days a week. Blended learning is designed to make people think we’re doing something effectively via placing nine kids at a time in a room in which they may have no interaction with the teacher or each other, and by having other kids sit on computers somewhere. We figure by doing a little bit of this and a little bit of that, maybe someone will pick up something somewhere.

We gave away a whole lot of technology—distributing over 300,000 iPads to students who need them—and we are working with teachers to be more effective online instructors. Of course we will continue to blame them for anything that goes wrong, because we ourselves are Very Important People, and if we weren’t, why would our salaries be double those of the people out there doing the actual work?

Teachers, staff, and students will have the time and support they need to adapt to these necessary changes. Social-emotional learning and trauma-informed care will be integrated throughout the year, and all schools will offer mental health support. We have no clue whatsoever as to how we will do that, since there is no space whatsoever to do anything more, but the mayor believes for every drop of rain a flower grows. That’s why he ran for President. While that didn’t work out, he hopes this will, or his career is finished.

Family Engagement

We will have a whole bunch of meetings in which we try to explain this stuff. We don’t really understand it ourselves, but we have a whole lot of employees who make over 200K a year, so we figure it’s the least they could do. They will nod their heads with great respect and pretend they care about your words, and faithfully answer, “I'll get back to you on that.” More information is available at
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