Wednesday, June 10, 2020

Trump Says Fine People on Both Sides of Pedophilia Rally

As pedophiles rallied at Lafayette Park, President Trump today once again derided what he called the fake news.  He further demanded the press be fair and balanced in its coverage of stories about so-called bad apple teachers. He stated there were blame was on both sides, and that there were fine teachers in both the pedophile and non-pedophile groups.

"Those fake news Washington Post only shows one side," said the President. The Post Office needs to quadruple rates so that Amazon can't deliver stuff so cheaply, especially that fake news stuff that never mentions what a great job I'm doing. No one knows the Post Office better than me."

Trump's complaints, and his subsequent tweetstorm was predicated by recent teacher suspensions. After two AP teachers were caught on camera in acts of pedophilia, 57 others decided to resign from their positions teaching AP courses. This is because they were told their union would not defend them against the alleged pedophilia, which was caught on video and seen all over the world.

Union officials stated that, while they provide lawyers to defend teachers against charges to remove teachers from their jobs, they did not offer legal protection against any atrocities teachers may commit while doing their jobs. Several of the teachers were quite vocally disappointed.

"What if I kill someone, for example," mused one of the departing teachers. "Shouldn't the union defend me against murder charges?" The 57 teachers were surprised to learn that, unlike Donald Trump, they could not, in fact, murder someone on Fifth Avenue and get away with it.

"Pedophiles have rights too," stated one of the teachers. "I'm very disappointed that they get hung out to dry like that. What if any of us were to go on a killing spree? What if we spent our free time robbing banks? Shouldn't we be protected?"

"This is an outrage," stated another. "Just because we've found a few pedophiles in the teaching force, we ought not to be stereotyped like this. Now they're all, oh, we're gonna pass laws that if they catch you performing pedophilia in one town, every other town is gonna know. That's so unfair! How is that poor pedophile gonna ever find another teaching job?"

While pedophiles rallied at Lafayette Park, there was a strong counter-rally. However, the counter-rally was quickly dispersed after the National Guard pelted them with rubber bullets and tear gas. At least we think it was the National Guard, since none of them were wearing any visible ID.Trump then walked into the park and held up a bible, He then derided the counter-ralliers for carrying signs when free bibles were available in many hotel rooms nationwide. He suggested they were members of Antifa.

Public sentiment has been running high against pedophile teachers. President Trump stated the whole controversy was overblown, and that there were good people on both sides. At a rally, he stated that pedophiles ought to go out and do what they do, and that they shouldn't worry too much about small details, which were always overblown by the "fake news." Trump suggested while the pedophiles were abducting children, they ought not to worry too much about whether they hit their heads while being dragged into automobiles. He said they shouldn't be too nice with them.

There was one positive development for the pedophile teachers, however. Several schools in Florida offered to hire all of them. The teachers are weighing their options. None have yet agreed to move to the Sunshine State, but there is always that option.

The President praised Florida, and stated he was grateful that at least some people were willing to look past stereotypes. He repeated his contention that despite their behavior, they weren't all pedophiles. He condemned the papers for printing fake news and renewed his call for a state-run network that would present  the news exactly as he described it at his neo-Klan rallies. 
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