Eva's Academy publicly ranks its kids along walls of shame. The kids at the bottom, those in the red zone, are the losers! Everybody knows it. Kids who do well stand up when their scores are called. Kids who fail to make the grade stay glued to their seats. We, at Perfection Academy, do better. Anyone in the bottom 50% deserves public humiliation. We issue Perfection-Academy Dunce Caps in neon orange to match the color of our jumpers which serve as school uniforms.
Eva's students wee on themselves. Have no fear there are closets chocked full of fresh underwear and sweatpants. We do better. We issue our students Depend Diapers, fitted for maximum protection. Students wear them on all testing days, practice and real, including the two Saturdays prior to the exam when they practice with perforated sheets. Parents want this. They will tell you so. It keeps their kids focused on achieving with "maximum absorbency." We also use deodorizing powder to soak up vomit because it smells lovely! During practice exams, students learn to aim away from their test papers. Pearson accepts no vomit!
Eva's kids suffer an inordinate amount of suspensions. As she has aptly proven, kids who can't sit down and shut up don't deserve an education. Kids can be brutal. And, if you've just come to teach fresh out of the ivy League, you probably have no idea how to handle kids who don't sit straight, stare or kowtow. We share in Eva's belief that students need to sit with hands clasped. We, however, additionally recommend that while clasping hands, they genuflect, praying to do well on their State exams. God's never too busy to listen to the fervent prayer of a Perfection-Academy student. Our test scores are living proof!
|*There is also an accompanying deduction of equal value from your paycheck.|
|We avoid subgrade soil by refusing to backfill past kindergarten.|
I know you want your kids to be creative. I know you have your doubts about whether performing well on one set of tests will transfer over to a healthy and productive life. But why bother yourself by asking such questions? Such questions never appear on tests. Perfection implies you are compliant. You follow orders. You bow your head. You're ready to work for "The Man" or it could even be "The Woman" (like Eva)! If you're ready to work unquestioningly and do whatever you're told, whether you're a student or a recent college grad, Perfection Academy is the place for you!!!