Friday, April 10, 2015

Perfection Academy, One Step Up from Success

A few years back, two hedge-fund operators approached me.  We brainstormed a wonderful idea, a new, no-excuses charter chain to improve upon Eva's model.  We naturally named it the Perfection Academy, thereby letting everyone know that we are infinitely better than mere Success!

Eva's Academy publicly ranks its kids along walls of shame.  The kids at the bottom, those in the red zone, are the losers!  Everybody knows it.  Kids who do well stand up when their scores are called.  Kids who fail to make the grade stay glued to their seats.   We, at Perfection Academy, do better.  Anyone in the bottom 50% deserves public humiliation.  We issue  Perfection-Academy Dunce Caps in neon orange to match the color of our jumpers which serve as school uniforms.

Eva's students wee on themselves.  Have no fear there are closets chocked full of fresh underwear and sweatpants.  We do better.  We issue our students Depend Diapers, fitted for maximum protection.  Students wear them on all testing days, practice and real, including the two Saturdays prior to the exam when they practice with perforated sheets.  Parents want this.  They will tell you so.  It keeps their kids focused on achieving with "maximum absorbency."  We also use deodorizing powder to soak up vomit because it smells lovely!  During practice exams, students learn to aim away from their test papers.  Pearson accepts no vomit!

Eva's classrooms are named for the colleges from which their teachers emerged--even long after the teachers have quit in exasperation.  We have a better idea.  We name our classrooms for hedge-fund contributors.  They never quit!

Eva's kids suffer an inordinate amount of suspensions.  As she has aptly proven, kids who can't sit down and shut up don't deserve an education.   Kids can be brutal.  And, if you've just come to teach fresh out of the ivy League, you probably have no idea how to handle kids who don't sit straight, stare or kowtow.  We share in Eva's belief that students need to sit with hands clasped.  We, however, additionally recommend that while clasping hands, they genuflect, praying to do well on their State exams.  God's never too busy to listen to the fervent prayer of a Perfection-Academy student.  Our test scores are living proof!

Eva offers great rewards to kids who do well.  They get Popeye's chicken, candy, basketballs and Nerf guns.  We, at Perfection Academy, do better.  We know kids don't want books, science kits or any of that "shit."  So, we, give them pure sugar. It can be taken orally or administered intravenously.

Teachers at Success work eleven-hour days.  Our teachers show far greater dedication.  At our school, our teachers work seventeen-hour days because everyone knows the human body can survive on only a few hours of sleep.  If teachers burn out, there are always new kids, out of college, happy for any job.  They have no family and they live with Mom.  They love teaching.  They are the kind of people we want in our classrooms.  Experience means little and it sure saves a lot on pensions!

Eva stores student information on vast data bases.  Everyone is ranked.  We do better.  We sell this information to companies that proposition us.  Then, our students are free to receive lots of wonderful opportunities to buy stuff or have their identities stolen.  If necessary, this information can be used by future employers to help them track their workforce from Kindergarten forward.

At Success, they have closets always stocked full of every imaginable amenity.  We do better at Perfection Academy.  All you need to do is walk up to our closet.  Rap on the door three times, wish for what you want and the closet magically supplies it.*

*There is also an accompanying deduction of equal value from your paycheck.
Success Academy doesn't offer foreign language until eighth grade.  (We all know the lack of importance of language in our modern world.)  Kids who can't pass practice tests lose their extracurricular art and music.  But, remember, whatever isn't necessary for tests, isn't necessary for life.  At Perfection Academy, we agree.  Our curriculum is dedicated 120% to pure test prep.

At Success Academy, they don't backfill past fourth grade.  They can't have their carefully weeded kids mixing with God only knows who.  We can't either.  Parents don't want that!  That is why, we, too refuse to backfill.  We've taken the Success model and made it even stronger.  We do not backfill past kindergarten.  Such a policy proves extremely effective.  Last year, our first class had a 100% passing rate on the state tests.  Those three kids are destined for perfection!

We avoid subgrade soil by refusing to backfill past kindergarten.

I know you want your kids to be creative.  I know you have your doubts about whether performing well on one set of tests will transfer over to a healthy and productive life.  But why bother yourself by asking such questions?  Such questions never appear on tests.  Perfection implies you are compliant.  You follow orders.  You bow your head.  You're ready to work for "The Man" or it could even be "The Woman" (like Eva)!  If you're ready to work unquestioningly and do whatever you're told, whether you're a student or a recent college grad, Perfection Academy is the place for you!!!
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