Friday, June 06, 2014

Make Someone Happy! Blame a Teacher Today!

Blame the Teachers!  For many years, the thought never crossed my mind that teachers were the single most important factor complicit in the perpetuity of poverty in the United States.  But I guess it makes sense; poverty has been around since the beginning of time and so, too, have poor teachers.  I just never took the time to consider the connection until I listened to Michelle Rhee.  Since that fateful day when my whole world was turned upside down by this new logic, I began to wonder if teachers might not also be responsible for a whole host of other problems.  I have made a list of the top ten problems which I now believe are caused by teachers.

10.  Teachers are to blame for the long World-Series drought of the Cubs.  I know you heard the rumor that it was the Curse of the Billy Goat, but with new facts brought to bear (or cub), I respectfully beg to differ.  After all, what sense does it make to blame a goat?  Blame teachers!

9.  Have you ever had a nagging headache?  You might be tempted to blame dehydration, loud noise or stress.  Just Blame teachers!  It's that much easier!

8.  Have you ever failed to accomplish anything in your life?  Someone might try to convince you that you didn't work hard enough or that you just gave up.  I'm telling you, your teacher was and still is to blame. 

7.  Your computer's gone "kaflooey" and you're thinking it was the link you clicked on from someone overseas asking you for a few dollars to help free the long lost Aunt (you never knew you had) from a false arrest.  I'm telling you the person to blame is much closer to home.  It would be your teacher.  You know the one.  Blame her!

6.  You might want to blame the current administration for the nagging issue of unemployment in the U.S.  Why put the blame on the President's desk when there are clearly so many other factors at work and they are all teachers?    The buck most certainly does not stop with the President.  Follow it to a teacher!

5.  Teachers are to blame for the recent sharp decrease in the bee population.  Forget the theories about new pesticides, bacteria and such.  Rhee is the original "Bee Eater." She's since moved on.  So, find another teacher to blame!  

 4.  Teachers are clearly to blame for Hurricane Sandy.  One has only to ask who benefited from the Super Storm.  Teachers, of course.  Teachers got a full week off from work with pay.  Who cares that some saw their homes submerged?  Blame teachers!

3.  You might worry that Kim Jong-Un will someday wreak havoc in the Pacific with his nuclear testing.  You can't blame North Korea.  The real culprit is closer to home.  You have only to look into a classroom.  Blame the teachers!

2.  Teachers, not carbon emissions, methane, deforestation, chemical fertilizers, and such, cause Global Warming.  I should know.  I am one.  The finger is pointing at me.  The study will be out soon.  Too bad teachers may be harder to ban than aerosol sprays. 

1.  Teachers are to blame for an increase in global terrorism.  And, I'm not talking about all the standardized testing today.  So, if you see something in the classroom, say something!  There may not be a second to spare.

There is no time for a closer examination here, but teachers are probably also to blame for many problems that have plagued our ancestors in history.  Use your imagination and write a revisionist history of the world.  And, whatever you do, don't forget to blame teachers! 
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