Sunday, June 30, 2013

Mayor Bloomberg Lays Out Plan to Eliminate Sex Creeps

Mike Bloomberg here. I just want to say how pleased I am that the Supreme Court has finally repealed the Defense of Marriage Act. Our LGBT brothers and sisters should certainly be able to marry and live as they wish. Except for teachers.

UFT teachers, as you know if you've been reading the Daily News, tend to be pervs and sickos and sex creeps. After careful consideration, Chancellor Walcott and I have decided that we don't want sex creeps doing anything unconventional, and we've determined we need the right to fire any teachers doing anything we decide to be out of the norm.

This is because our students simply cannot handle role models that vary from those in 1950s TV shows. Clearly in those times, there were no LGBT models on TV, and everyone was white. We think white people have had it all too tough recently, and as you know they are randomly stopped and frisked more far too often.

That's why, for teachers only, we're going to demand they be straight and white, or at least convincingly pretend to be straight and white. If they can't manage this little request, it's going to be necessary for Chancellor Walcott to be able to fire them. As Ruben Diaz and legal expert Campbell Brown have pointed out, we need the right to fire sicko sex creeps whether or not they've been found guilty. Since we assume all teachers to be sicko sex creeps, we won't be firing them for being LGBT or non-white, but for being sex creeps.

And sure, a lot of you will be saying, "Mike, you're discriminating here." I understand that, and that's why we will make sure to also fire white straight teachers too. Since all teachers are sex creeps because we say so, this will make teachers think twice before they criticize the way we place Children First, Always.

The best way to put Children First, Always is by closing their neighborhood schools, turning them over to Eva Moskowitz, firing unionized teachers based on junk science, and replacing them with at-will employees in charter schools who will never, ever earn a pension. This way, teachers of the Children we place First, Always won't have time to develop into the sex creeps all current teachers are.

So basically, we need the right to immediately fire sex creep teachers who are not straight and white. We also need the right to immediately fire sex creep teachers who are straight and white. Anyone not fitting into those categories will not be affected by this bold but necessary new policy.

However, since all teachers in these categories have been demonstrated by the crack reporters at the Daily News to be sex creeps, we desperately need the right to fire them right away without all that contractual red tape. We can't go through all the rigamarole of negotiating new contracts, because that will cost money we don't have. Once we fire all the sex creeps, the costs of negotiating new contracts will decrease dramatically.

So please, New York, remember that mayoral control means I do what I want, when I want, and how I want. Support me, Senator Diaz, and legal expert Campbell Brown in our efforts to fire sex creep teachers immediately. It's the only way we can protect our children from these dangerous predators.

We are also very disappointed that no other publications have been running the story about sex creep teachers. In our next step to place Children First, Always, we will look into whether or not it's in the interests of these children to allow these publications to continue doing business in my city.
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