Thursday, June 06, 2013
Mayor Christine Quinn commented, "This has been a tough transition. It's disappointing to discover that every single working teacher was ineffective, but it's important we put Students First, Always, and to that end, we are turning all the schools over to Eva Moskowitz, who has done a sterling job."
"Of course, students will have to audition to get into Moskowitz academies, and those with special needs, or those who don't speak English, will be joining all of our ex-teachers. We're so grateful that Walmart, after opening superstores in all five boroughs, will be inviting all the ex-teachers to be associates. Furthermore, they will accept those students who are not a good fit for the Moskowitz academies."
"Walmart will have the ex-teachers train the students to fold towels, assemble furniture, assign low-low prices, and will grant diplomas based on how well they feel students would fare as Walmart associates if they were hiring. The thought is that the very best students will stay to continue to train incoming students, and as incoming students progress, the older students and ex-teachers will be fired."
"Eventually, with this model, few or no people would actually be paid to work and profits could be maximized. This will make for a better Walmart, particularly since Moskowitz schools will be offering Walmart management courses in lieu of English and mathematics. After all, it was English and mathematics that caused our schools to fail in such large numbers, and we simply can't have that happening in Moskowitz academies."
"Now last year was tough, as half of working teachers did not come back in September, and given that all teachers were rated ineffective, we simply could not hire new ones. And thanks to Commissioner John King for resisting the teacher union's efforts to replace them. After all, if the system chose so poorly in the past, how could we trust it to do any better? And we were finally able to achieve Mayor Bloomberg's vision of 70 kids in a class. It's kind of sad we will have to fire all the teachers who helped us out last year, but we simply cannot subject our students to failed teachers."
"Finally, I have had the city council overturn the term limits law and cancel all upcoming elections. Now that we've finally reached Mayor Bloomberg's ultimate educational vision, there is really no need to teach anyone, and it's simply unacceptable to have an uneducated populous selecting a government. That is a very serious responsibility, and I will not toy with it."
"As for the press, please make like a tree and go screw yourselves." At this point Mayor Quinn made a rather disrespectful gesture and left the stage.