Colonel Harlan Sanders came back from the dead this morning to announce a major change in policy. Apparently, for some time, his chickens had been unhappy about their living conditions, and he felt that this was having a negative effect on the quality of the image of his brand.
"When you buy Kentucky Fried Chicken, you need to know it's a quality product," said the Colonel, after having inspected one of his packing facilities. "It's important we reach out to everyone and get their view."
We attempted to get the viewpoint of said chickens. A spokesperson for the American Federation of Chickens stated, "It's always important to have a seat at the table, particularly when it's you who's going to end up on the table. We will negotiate for a solutions-based agreement with the Colonel, who will be keynote at our AFC convention. As stakeholders, we are always open to reasonable negotiations that benefit our members."
The Colonel was delighted to speak at the convention. "As everyone knows, this is a partnership. I'm a little confused by the AFC's remark about steak-holders, though. As everyone knows, we don't even sell steak at Kentucky Fried chicken, and in any case, you don't need a holder. The very best way to eat our chicken is by hand. In fact, our freshly-pressure-cooked chicken legs are practically made to fit in your hands."
"The important thing here is that we have a good working relationship with our chickens. They are a very important component of our business, and we certainly couldn't do business at all without them. And honestly, what do we need to extend to make them happy? Frankly, it's chicken feed."
Colonel Sanders took a group of chicken leaders to a gala weekend at a Marriott Conference Center. After what appeared to be a series of tough negotiations, the Colonel faced the press, who asked for comments.
"They were simply delicious," admitted the Colonel. "Our entire staff was delighted with the results, and we plan to make these negotiations a regular part of our business model. "