Thursday, January 10, 2013

Bloomberg's Successors

Recently. the New York Times ran a story about whom Mayor Bloomberg may have been grooming as a successor. The story mentioned such names as Charles Schumer and Hillary Clinton, and all of us reading it knew they were as far as could be from real consideration. For one thing, neither of them really shares the goals of this particular mayor. For another, it's doubtful the mayor's ego could fit in another room with either of these individuals; just witness the rocky relationship he's had with Governor Andrew Cuomo. Clearly the original list, from a Bloomberg letter we've managed to acquire, was edited at least somewhat by Howard Wolfson.

Dear Howie,

Here's my dream list of mayoral candidates in case I decide not to buy run for a fourth term. Please clean it up and release it to the press.

1. Vlad the Impaler Now a lot of people give this guy a bad rap, as he's alleged to have killed tens of thousands, but those numbers are surely exaggerated. Even so, we're not actually looking to kill people. We'd just like to fire about half of working teachers. Whatever may have been the true story here, that seems doable. And of course when they go yammering on about contract, the impaling tools could be brought out. Not that we'd ever use them, of course. But negotiation is largely an art of mastering appearances.

2. Genghis Khan Surely someone who can build an empire could construct a strong network of charter schools. The entire notion of invading public schools, tossing out the leadership, and bringing our own people in has proven troublesome. Sometimes there are protests, pickets and speeches going on that get inconvenient press coverage. Were we to parade in with horses and medieval weaponry the stories would look much different, and the sign-carrying pinkos would disperse in no time at all.

3. The Spanish Inquisition Yes, I know technically that is not an individual, so we could not actually place that name on a ballot. But everyone knows, for example, the tweets of Students First NY come from a single individual rather than an organization. All we would need would be someone who represented their goals. Getting people to agree with us by any means necessary would lessen the need to rationalize the decisions of my rubber-stamp PEP. Certainly threats of torture or confiscation of property might persuade people to accept reformy ideas that have no basis in fact. This is particularly true when the reformy stuff benefits no one but my pals who might profit from it.

4. Eva Moskowitz What can I say? The woman is a genius. Without so much as a single gunshot the woman has wrested school space from those cursed union bastards. Sure there's a lot of turnover, but teachers are a dime a dozen nowadays, and it's always possible to squeeze 200 hours a week of effort from someone. Once they burn out, we simply open up another can.

I think any of these candidates would do a great job, but if you have any ideas. or you want to add anyone, feel free.


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