Mayor Bloomberg has finally solved the problems of overcrowding and class size that have plagued his administration from the start. Critics have relentlessly attacked him as he failed to replace departing teachers, causing sharp rises in class sizes. Others bellyache about how, with all or most classes at maximum, students can even get the courses they need.
Principals are perplexed. Where can they put classes when there isn't any space in the building, and with all the budget cuts, they can't afford to hire any new teachers? Worse, they now have to consider the salaries of teachers they select, and have to pay a premium for experience. With the millions of impending observations they'll have to do with the new evaluation system, not to mention calculating precisely how much junk science VAM to add to the mix, they're at a virtual standstill.
Enter Mayor Bloombucks, with a brilliant solution. Why not simply pretend the problem doesn't exist and hope for the best? After all, if he doesn't tell the public how many kids are sitting in trailers instead of classrooms, if he doesn't tell the public how many classes are oversized, no one will know about the problem, and it will therefore not exist.
By thinking out of the box, Mayor4Life has confounded his critics, and decisively dealt with a problem that's frustrated lesser thinkers. The mayor plans also to ignore poverty, crime, and his rapidly sinking popularity in an effort to creatively take on the issues of our day. Should they be brought up by uppity parents or teachers, the mayor plans to focus on the giant soft drinks that he's managed to defeat.
A mayoral spokesperson, speaking under conditions of strict anonymity, pointed out that giant soft drinks are not available in public schools, and under the stewardship of the second richest man in New York, will not be available for the foreseeable future. He then went on to say the UFT has taken no stand on this vital issue, and that this proved conclusively that billionaires care more about children than unionized teachers. He then spit on my shoes, walked into a 7-11, and purchased an enormous Coca-Cola flavored Slurpee, which was somehow exempted from the momentous ban.
As icing on top of the cake, the mayor managed to once again place "Children First. Always," by ensuring children are first and always in oversized classes and trailers. Because you sure as hell won't find Mike Bloomberg working under any such conditions.
Views expressed herein are solely those of the author or authors, and do not reflect views of my employers, the United Federation of Teachers, the MORE Caucus or any other union caucus.
Stories herein containing unnamed or invented characters are works of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.