Good morning New York. As your mayor, I'm entrusted with the welfare of our city, the best darn city in America. As you know, I'm not a Democrat or a Republican. What I am is an Opportunist, saying whatever the hell it takes to buy elections. That's why I support recycling.
For example, I'm now suggesting a merit pay program that will give 20 thousand extra bucks to teachers who will shut the hell up and get with the damn program. If we had more teachers like that we wouldn't have such pandemonium at the PEP. You see, under mayoral control, I get 8 of the 13 votes. My reps patiently sit there and pretend to listen to the public, then vote like they're told, or I fire their asses. That's the way democracy works over here.
Now a lot of people are giving me flack just because we tried a program for three years that had no tangible results. All these Gloomy Guses say, oh, it didn't work here, it didn't work there, and it didn't work anywhere. In my opinion, the only one that counts, we need to expand on this program. The reason programs have failed in the past is because we've negotiated them with those damn unions, and what the hell do they know?
In the interests of recycling, I'm also bringing back Prohibition. I don't really think you people should be drinking. It tends to make you sloppy, to give you ideas, and that's dangerous. Now my smoking ban has been a huge success, and I think we need to follow it up with something that will get even more attention. Sure, they say this will hurt some businesses, but it's likely to spur others. I can see this, that's what makes me a visionary, and that's why there are no laws that can keep me from being mayor as long as I damn please, or until I'm a viable candidate for President, whichever comes first.
I'm also restarting production on an updated Edsel. Now some of you reading this may think this is a bad idea, but the problem is not enough Edsels were produced. New York is looking a little monotonous, and the idea of scores of cars that appear to be sucking lemons is just what we need to add zest to our environment. Perhaps we can make Edsel SUVs, and I can have a pair of them drive me to my preferred subway stop, from which I daily pretend to rely on public transport.
Now my most controversial idea is reintroducing New Coke, but the fact is I like it better than old Coke, and therefore you should too. How can you possibly know what you like when I have all this money and you barely have any? Even if you get a 20 thousand dollar bonus you won't make as much in a year as I do in eight minutes. So, hey, how about shutting your damn pie hole and letting me do what I want, when I want, however I want?
Thank you New York, and as always, I hope you enjoyed my little talk. If not, why don't you just take a long walk on a short pier?