First of all, this merit pay thing is sheer genius, dude. I mean, like, I can barely find the cash to pay my armies, and then, like, I'm supposed to feed my people and stuff, and it's all, like, ya know, too much. But if I could just, like, promise stuff, and give it to people now and then, I could, like, save a ton of casherino, baby! That's a new palace, maybe several, with Imax screens, like, just for playing Angry Birds!
Let me tell you, it's tiring getting rid of your enemies! But if all I need to do is stand around and promise crazy ass nonsense, I save a lot of time for important stuff, like PAR-TAY, dude!
I'm really hoping that this pays off. In fact, when Mayor Mike gets term-limited, if he doesn't just change the law again, I'm thinking of buying a place in the city and running myself. What could be cooler than having the run of New York, so nice they named it twice? And listen, yo, if you vote for me I can most def bring nuclear weapons to the Apple, dude.
Are you tired of those bastards from New Jersey coming over and taking your parking spaces, yo? Let me tell you, I will aim a missle right at Chris Christie's ass, and then we'll negotiate from there, dude. I will take everything this Bloomberg dude has done, and, like, TURN IT UP TO ELEVEN!!!!!
And listen, yo, I will not trifle with those damn unions. We'll aim a missle at UFT HQ and like, those dudes will not know what hit them! Or maybe they will! The point is, what's the dif? No muss, no fuss. Well, a little muss, but when we re-educate the unionized teachers we'll make them clean it up piece by piece!!!
I, like, wrote a poem about it:
I will be mayor in 2013!!!!!!
Every New Yorker will be on the scene!!!!
Me and my buds will be rolling in green!!!
Those who defy me are, like, losing a spleen, yo.