Friday, December 18, 2009

Vice President Klein Closes New Jersey

This morning, there was yet another toxic waste cloud emanating from Linden, New Jersey. Vice President Joel Klein declared that he’d had enough and announced plans to phase out the entire state. Jersey residents pointed to many areas that were improving, but the Vice President called Jersey an eyesore and an abomination, declaring that it needed to be closed once and for all. Bruce Springsteen wrote a protest song, but President Michael Bloomberg once again pointed out Springsteen was a parent and therefore ineligible to have any input whatsoever in matters of state.

Naturally the measure will have to clear Congress. However, since President Bloomberg reorganized Congress during his third term, it has never voted against any of his proposals. Vice President Klein’s new streamlined 8-page Constitution specifically allows the President to select a two-thirds majority of representatives, and to fire any appointed member of Congress who votes against any of his proposals, even before the vote takes place. New York Senator Patrick J. Sullivan spoke up against the measure, giving reasoned arguments that were roundly ignored by all.

“If Sullivan had a clear vision for the future of our country,” mused President Bloomberg, “why would he need to wear glasses?”

New Jersey’s Governor Spitzer, a former New York resident, did not take the news well. Spitzer maintained there wasn’t enough time to improve and that ever since Pennsylvania had closed, many residents no one wanted had come over the border. Some of them, the Governor pointed out, were banjo players. Many upstanding Jersey residents had fled to New York in horror, paying the bridge tolls without protest. “It’s expensive to leave New Jersey,” observed one motorist, “but it’s worth it.”

Many residents speculate the influx of banjo players contributed heavily to the “D” grade assigned by the Vice President, but grading policies do not take into account the number of banjo players in any given state. Many Jersey residents griped that things had been going downhill since Pennsylvania was phased out.

Eva Moskowitz, leader of the Scranton Success State (formerly Pennsylvania), admitted it was true her state had fewer banjo players than before the reorganization, but maintained she’d have happily admitted them if they’d won the lottery. “If only they’d repeal the cap on charter states, we wouldn’t have this problem,” added Moskowitz. Governor Spitzer contended banjo players were patently incapable of reading the lottery forms, and that they’d never have applied for residence even if they knew how. “It isn’t their fault they play banjos. Some people are just like that,” maintained Spitzer.

In the worst economic downturn since Barack Obama’s presidency, Bloomberg and Klein have created the Absent Citizen Reserve, based on the Absent Teacher Reserve they created in New York City. Over half of the displaced have now joined its ranks, along with anyone who’s laid off for any reason. Critics have questioned the wisdom of compelling any unemployed person to do any job that happens to be open, regardless of qualifications, but Secretary of Labor Chris Cerf stated, “The only variable is the employee,” and has received the full backing of President Bloomberg.

NYC Schools Chancellor Ariel Sacks wrote a blistering article in the Daily News about the ineptitude of a laid-off drawbridge oiler who was assigned to work as an AP calculus teacher in the school she once taught in. “He didn’t control the class well, and frankly failed to show adequate mastery of the topic. In fact, 60 ACRs my former principal interviewed were all terrible,” said Ms. Sacks, adding, “The ones he didn’t interview are all just as bad.”

The recent story about ACR Howard Greenblatz, a recently laid-off busboy at the 2nd Avenue Deli who was assigned to work as a cardiologist at Mercy Hospital, has stirred up opposition to the ACR program. Greenblatz, after botching several heart surgeries, claimed he had no idea how to actually perform surgery of any kind. President Bloomberg said ACRs needed to be more resourceful and stated unequivocally that they would be held accountable in his administration.

A recent editorial in the Times suggested it was time to phase out the ACRs. Vice President Klein has repeatedly asserted that if they couldn’t find a state to accept them, it was time to strip them of citizenship once and for all. Several sources suggested they be sent to Gitmo, but it remains too full of geriatric terrorism suspects to accommodate the anticipated influx.

“They’re a drain on our limited resources,” said the Vice President. “Why should they be entitled to indefinitely enjoy the benefits of citizenship when it’s been conclusively demonstrated that no state wants them? We ought to give them a year to find a state that will take them, and if they don’t, they should be banished, maybe to Mexico or Canada, or some uncharted desert isle.”

American Federation of Teachers President Norm Scott was unavailable for comment, convalescing due to the surprisingly violent wheelchair collision of last week with his predecessor, Randi Weingarten. Each accuses the other of deliberately instigating the incident, and dual lawsuits are pending. Nonetheless, Scott has repeatedly pointed out that Vice President Klein agreed to the ACR clause in the Constitution. Scott has been a frequent critic of the Vice-President’s policies, alluding to Klein’s failure as NYC Chancellor to control the overcrowding. As recently as last month, Scott said, “Look at Francis Lewis High School. Klein had promised to place a cap at 8,762 and now it’s triple that.”

Klein fumbled with his hearing aid, saying, “I’ve never heard a single kid ask for a transfer from Francis Lewis.” He then pointed out that Guinness Book of World Records had singled out Francis Lewis High School as the world’s most overcrowded building. “None of my predecessors were able to achieve such a thing,” claimed the Vice President.

blog comments powered by Disqus