Maybe the problem is they're spending too much time chewing on pencils. But it's your lucky day. Now you can get them pre-chewed pencils, so they'll be sinking their teeth into all those triangles their math teachers have so meticulously crafted, or the Magna Carta, or whatever it is they're supposed to be focused on.
There's also good news for all those "reformers" out there--they're completely untested and there's no evidence whatsoever they'll have any effect whatsoever. So here's yet another place to put your megabucks, Bill Gates and Eli Broad. This could be your next big breakthrough!
Best of all, "reformers" could blame unionized teachers for not having provided kids with the pencils in the first place. Perhaps Joel Klein and Al Sharpton could make speeches about this reprehensible situation, and make sure new academies have a healthy supply of prechewed pencils. It's a hell of a lot cheaper than reducing class sizes or relieving overcrowding, and as Mr. Klein's minions often respond to my questions, "Well, at least it shows we're doing something."
The only drawback is they don't have erasers, so "reformers" will have to use their own in the consequent juking of the stats.
Views expressed herein are solely those of the author or authors, and do not reflect views of my employers, the United Federation of Teachers, the MORE Caucus or any other union caucus.
Stories herein containing unnamed or invented characters are works of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.