Saturday, November 17, 2007

From Ms. Weingarten's Secret Diary

Woke up. Watched a little tube. Ate light breakfast, whistled for chauffeur.

Met Joel at usual place. Waiter hosed him down, threw him a steak. Once again, forgot raincoat, rainhat, got wet. Must visit hairstylist in PM. Note to self---leave rain gear in SUV. Knew I'd get no chance to eat, was good idea to have breakfast at home.

Second steak, less tearing and groaning, less flying saliva, but threw bone at chandelier. Strong throwing arm. Expensive repair for taxpayers. No one turned head, everyone pretended not to notice, then Joel finally spoke.

"Teacher BAD! FIRE teacher!"

Putrid breath, as per usual. I hate when he gets like that. How many teachers should we fire? How to make deal w/o pertinent info?

Yuk. Drool everywhere. Will probably come off pantsuit with Woolite. Better idea--Note to self: call Mike Shulman--get New Action boys to dry clean pantsuit.

Made big mistake, replied too loudly, "FIRE?"

Waiter, misunderstanding, brought butane torch. Joel even more upset. Screaming wildly. Flailing limbs in every direction.

"Fire BAD! Joel NO LIKE! Fire BAD!! AYEEEEE!"

Jumped from chair. Bared teeth, growled, viciously attacked waiter. Ran away screaming. Jumped out front picture window with loud crash. Was awful. Expensive repair for taxpayers. Blood all over new pantsuit, total loss, put on expense account. Hope fire didn't spread too far when torch hit floor. Snuck quietly out back door and whistled for chauffeur.

Will have to meet again , try to pin down number of teachers to fire. Note to self--mount token opposition? March? Can always make deal to cancel at last minute. Note to self: wear sunglasses when meeting Joel--best not to be noticed around rampant destruction of property.

Can't wait to get out of here and go to DC.
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