Thursday, May 10, 2007

Versatile Mr. V.

Mr. V., the truth be told, is only required to teach one subject. But if you're stuck outside his classroom doing hall patrol 45 minutes a day, you quickly learn he can teach anything. His lessons cover virtually every discipline:


"If I retired last year, I'd only have gotten 58% of my salary. If I retired five years ago, I'd only have gotten half. Now if I retired before that, I'd have incurred a penalty, and I'd have made a lot less than I will make when I do retire."


"If I retire this year, I can get 60% of my salary. Next year, I'll get 62% of my salary, but we get a 2% raise, and that will factor in too. If I wait another year, I'll get a 5% raise on top of that, plus I'll get 64% of that salary. I'm also gonna collect 8% on the money I've been socking away all these years, you better believe it."


"When I retire, I'm getting the hell out of here and going to Florida. If it's too hot, maybe I can hit the Carolinas. Taxes aren't bad there either. Or maybe I'll go to Mexico. I hear it's pretty sweet over in San Miguel de Allende. I dunno, though. I don't think I'm gonna wanna study Spanish when I'm retired."

Extra Credit

"If I teach night school, I can up my pension a few points. Now if I teach summer school too, I can really hit the jackpot. All of this stuff factors into my pension. Sure I'll be tired, but it's worth it. I'll really appreciate all that extra work when I retire."


"Do you know what a pension is? It's what you get when you retire. Do you know what retirement is? It's when you stop working. You ought to plan for your retirement. It's a very important part of your life. Make sure you get a good retirement consultant. Do you know what a retirement consultant is?"


"When I collect my pension, it has a cost of living adjustment, so I can make more money every year. And in Florida, retirees don't pay taxes on anything. It's a lot cheaper to live there."

Real Estate

"When I sell my house in Queens, I'm gonna get a better place in Florida for half of what it costs. I can bank the rest. With the market the way it is, though, I might just sell and rent something till prices come down. Oh yeah, there's a bubble, and I don't want to invest my retirement money in a bubble."

Any Questions?

"Yo, Mr. V., when are you gonna retire?"

Thanks to R.
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