Sunday, May 13, 2007

Sir Rudy Speaks

I'm pro-choice, but if they overturn Roe v. Wade, that's OK.

We should license all handguns, but hey, we gotta be reasonable. So maybe we shouldn't license all handguns.

I favor civil unions for gay people, but not in New Hampshire.

I presided over the worst disaster in NYC history, and though I was advised to place it underground in Brooklyn, I insisted my control center be placed on a high floor in a proven target for terrorism. Now it's underground in Brooklyn.


I gave a speech telling people to expect another 9/11 if a democrat were elected in 08. When 9/11 actually occurred, a republican was president, a republican was governor, and a republican was mayor. I'm certain the terrorists hadn't been reading the papers, or they would have waited.

I insisted I had to stay on beyond my term, despite term limits. Though Lincoln and Roosevelt had to stand for re-election, I didn't think I should. I had to stay on, to boost the morale of the police and firefighters, to whom I'd been denying a contract for years. In fact, to show how much I valued their services, I left them without one when I left office.

By that time, the cops, who had supported me, who used to adore me, had actually begun demonstrating against me.

When I was mayor, I floated a plan to force welfare recipients to work in public schools. To my mind, people who are chronically unable to find work are adequate role models for public schoolchildren. What the hell, my kids went to private school anyway. When people objected, I accused them of racism.

I also kept taxes down. Every time the state raised school aid to the city, I reduced city aid by an equal amount. Clever, huh?

I went to court to petition for the right to bring my mistress into the home I shared with my wife and young children. No Miss Lewinski nonsense for me.

And just look at me in that pic.

What more could anyone ask?
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