Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Mr. Bloomberg Kills Two Birds

Mayor Michael Bloomberg, appearing with UFT President Randi Weingarten, proudly announced a new wrinkle to the latest reorganization.

The mayor's new reform will relieve overcrowding, assure placement for teachers in the Absent Teacher Reserve, bring commerce to the city, and additionally offer real-world experience to NYC's 1.1 million public schoolchildren. Impractical coursework in science, music, history, foreign languages, art, and other unproductive topics will be discarded in favor of test-prep and job training.

Retail giant Wal-Mart has agreed, in exchange for the opportunity to open several superstores in NYC, to concurrently educate children. Storage rooms in the back will be fitted with desks, and while students are engaged in test-prep activities, teachers can get out on the floor and fold clothes as a C6 assignment. To help fund a proposed reduction in property taxes and two new stadiums, students over the age of eight will supplement their education by working two hours daily both before and after school.

To discourage cutting, classes will be held at night and doors will remain locked until the stores open to the public. Naturally, cell phones will still not be tolerated.

"This will provide valuable training for kids," stated a company executive, "and put them on the fast track for the coveted position of Wal-Mart associate."

"I'm surprised how close we were, when we began talking about it, and happy we were able to come to an agreement," commented Ms. Weingarten, "Also, and I'm very pleased that ATR teachers will be coming on board as Wal-Mart associates. While their pay scales may vary somewhat from what they're used to," chuckled the union chief, "we're delighted we were able to guarantee their continued employment for a two-year period. The executive board has overwhelmingly approved this new initiative, and once again the UFT has delivered."

The mayor has also agreed to abide by recent legislation mandating smaller classes, and, in response to recent events, has pledged as governor to always wear a seat belt while in his limo. He further promised to be trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent.

To demonstrate his newfound willingness to abide by the law, Mayor Bloomberg announced class sizes will gradually be reduced from 34 to a more manageable 33.9.

Representatives from a coalition of a dozen parent groups were on hand to applaud the latest developments. "If it's good enough for Ms. Weingarten, it's good enough for our kids," commented one parent, who then entered Ms. Weingarten's chauffeured SUV and was whisked off to a gala luncheon at Graycie Mansion.
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