Thursday, June 29, 2006

The Principal's Annual Farewell Address

Well, we’ve gotten through another year, and it’s been a great one. What? Well, yes, except for that. But still, let’s not dwell on that.

Now let’s not spend all of our energy listening to the whiners, the moaners and the complainers. Yes, there was that thing that happened in April, and who knew it was gonna happen again in May, but we have some very encouraging things to report. What? Well of course I’m going to tell you what they are.

For example, last year the math figures were not all that great, I know. This year, our passing rate has increased by four percent. I think that represents a turning point. Over at Warren G. Harding High School, they actually went down by 2 percent. We’re catching up.

I was at a symposium last week with the chancellor, and he said to me—would you please stop booing? No I think that’s very rude. Would you like it if your students did that to you? Well, yes, I know they do, but that’s not the point. No, I wouldn’t. If your students treat you like that, write it up and send it to the dean, and we’ll—no we can’t just suspend everyone.

Anyway the chancellor—Jesus will you stop that already? He’s really not such a bad guy. He personally complimented me on my—yes you have to come back in August. But let’s not get all worked up about it. Look at the good side. Well, you can get your classrooms together. Come on, Ms. Fernandez, you know I can’t give you your own classroom. Well if I did it for you I’d have to do it for everyone, and then..

Mr. Nelson, please stop biting Ms. Jones right now. No I don’t care if she bit you first. Now please, we have just a few things we need to do, and I know Mr. Greenblatz wants to speak to you about the UFT luncheon…no I don’t know if they’re gonna have lox. Can we please get…oh yes, Mrs. Truncheon is going to retire…could you stand up Mrs. Truncheon? Mrs. Truncheon? MRS. TRUNCHEON? WE HEAR YOU’RE GOING TO RETIRE, MRS. TRUNCHEON? COULD YOU PLEASE STAND UP, MRS. TRUNCHEON?

What? You can’t wake her? She isn’t…no? Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph, she’s not…no? She isn’t. Oh, thank God, thank God. I’ve gotta stop chewing that nicotine gum.

Oh my gosh, ok then, well, I want to wish you all a happy and healthy summer. You all deserve it. I’ll turn it over now to Mr. Greenblatz...Mr. Greenblatz?
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